Tig Notaro's courageous, revelatory set last night at the Largo: http://t.co/WgFJNxU8

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Finding yourself at a gas pump that doesn't have the hold down clip thing is a quick way to find out some seriously dark shit about yourself

"Just cover those plot-holes up with bronzer!" --the CW

What nothing just constantly striving to be infinitely chiller and more lovable than your last girlfriend I mean just watchin' some TV haha

Just tried driving with my phone in my bag. BORINGGGGGG!!!!!

So sick of fire trucks always being all about THEIR emergencies

Check out this great new restaurant I can't stop eating at- killer music and views, homey cuisine,secret liquor license! It's called My Car.

MORAL OF THE FILM 'DRIVE': Bitches with kids be mad trouble

Looking for smoking hot girls w/ fantastic bodies WHO CAN DRIVE A JET SKI OR HAVE BEEN A PASSENGER ON ONE. MUST be comfortable JET SKIING!!!

Just saw Patrick Dempsey exiting a hospital. So fucking cliché

Michael Fassbender really caught a break with that "F."

No one eats turkey in Turkey this entire country is a sham

I am one follower away from still not having enough attention

Just sneezed in public. So blessed.

Just straight up LIED to my dog's FACE (told him his breakfast looked "delicious")

"She looks so thin!!!!" - the only way I know how to respond to my friends' ultrasound photos

Telling this pimple I'm in love with it in the hope that it'll disappear and I'll never hear from it again

MORE PHOTOS OF GIRLS SITTING ON STAIRS LOOKING UP & TO THE LEFT WITH DOCILE CURIOSITY

Sometimes people act in direct opposition of their own belief systems. For example, today I took TWO showers.