I have, a really beautiful body


under my floor boards

Amber Alert is my porn name

Earth? yeah, I'd hit that -meteor

9 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwhich? it better be worth every goddamn penn-


OMG its like Jesus just came in my mouth

still not really sure how that Gangnam Style dude got nukes in the first place

my hobbies include making parties awkward and burning the roof of my mouth eating pizza

"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?"

"yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy's face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

vibrator died so had to use the Wii remote



=/

if you can eat a Cadbury Egg, you can blow a guy to completion. it's the exact same

yes, i have huge breasts. and when i lie on my back, they're in my goddamn armpits where they belong.

"look at my butt-hole, how is it? look at it! ugh, you're not even looking, seriously...how's my butt-hole" -my cat

I will do a shoulder roll accross my kitchen island to get to the thumbs down button on Pandora

do these Juicy sweatpants make my ass look open for business?

I'm a virgin, but this is an old tweet

realizing that I'm older than Honey Boo Boo's mom is my 9/11

if the Senate isn't gonna listen to a co-worker THAT WAS SHOT IN THE FACE, what were the chances they'd listen to 90% of us?

went to Bath and Bodyworks today



and put the lotion in the basket

I've gained 8 pounds by telling people I'm going to feed some ducks to relax and then just eating a loaf of bread in my car

my Facebook friends would like a minute to talk to all of you about Jesus