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Hollering, "You're making the uppity moms stare at you!" is an effective way to get uppity moms to stop staring at your kid's meltdown.
PRO TIP: Bail out of any conversation tomorrow by shouting, "OH SHIT! MY TAXES!" and running away.
One said to me, "Why do you always have to make it about race?" I wish I could have that much privilege to make a statement like that.
it feels so good to be home.
Catscans done! No cats found.
So nice of Bruno Mars to sing next to his drunk shirtless uncle!
In which I tell my kids, "No, your *socks* take me to paradise."
Merry Christmas! Happy Honda Days! Happy Toyotathon! If you celebrate Lexus December to Remember DON'T TALK TO ME.
If you want to get your kids to eat better, yell, "I DIDN'T EAT MY VEGETABLES! AHHHH!" and rip off your fake eyelashes.
coworker taught me some yoga moves. not sure what was harder, the poses or using all my muscles not to fart in front of someone I work with
Black Friday shoppers are not the problem. Assholes shopping like assholes are the problem. Be kind & say please, thank you, excuse me.
my fave drink of the summer is a moscow mule! second fave is the blood of my enemies
started playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood so I can feel fat and ignored in more places than just my real life.
This audience is so young, I'm tempted to bathe in their blood to absorb their youth and frequent use of "That's so random!"
Stand-up comic and showcase producer. Chamorro gone city. From Saipan, now living in Seattle.