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Hollering, "You're making the uppity moms stare at you!" is an effective way to get uppity moms to stop staring at your kid's meltdown.
If you want to get your kids to eat better, yell, "I DIDN'T EAT MY VEGETABLES! AHHHH!" and rip off your fake eyelashes.
Why don't all dresses have pockets? Are designers afraid of my joy screaming whenever I realize there's a place to put my hands?
Where's the hallmark card for "Hi! I had a fun but not sexual dream about you!"
Mad Men stop making me have all these feelings!
Merry Christmas! Happy Honda Days! Happy Toyotathon! If you celebrate Lexus December to Remember DON'T TALK TO ME.
"we're not punching butts tonight!" is what I just yelled.
what good is linkedin if no one endorses my twerking skills?
My kid just friendzoned me.
Stop being so hot, Seattle! I haven't lost enough winter fat to wear shorts yet!
I know I complain about my kids, but that's so everyone knows not to have them.
I'm not good at dieting. My food journal is just a photocopy of the menu from P.F. Chang's.
I thought blue moon ice cream was made because of blue moon beer and I still let my kid eat it.
I'm always relieved when the winning lotto tickets were sold in another state and not the 7-11 down the street. That would haunt me.
whenever I want to fit in with a younger crowd, I just yell, "HOW COOL IS HANNAH MONTANA!?" then I roger rabbit out of the room.
Nathan: sorry I scared you, mommy. I'm not a monster. I'm your son.
Stand-up comic. Blogger. Chamorro gone city. From Saipan, now living in Seattle. Missing home since ever since.