The real irony is that Yoda, one of the most powerful Jedi masters in galactic history is not tall enough to get on any Disneyland rides.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

What if Victoria's Secret is that she has a penis? And just added the wings as a distraction.

the irony is that the praying mantis doesn't even believe in god. they just have shitty posture.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I'd like to see the work I've done before it's violently ripped from my view. #life

If u r going to suck at something totally commit to it. Suck more than they could have ever imagined possible. At some point it becomes art

I'm so afraid of marriage, I even panic in the gym when I'm told to engage my abs.

If PayPal was really a pal we wouldn't have to pay.

no one dies doing what they loved. unless they loved dying.

everything happens for a reason. sometimes it's just not yours though.

I'd love it if Obama's iPhone started ringing right now and he looked at it and said, "it's israel. I should take this." #debate2012

I think the real issue people are battling here is how good horse meatballs are. #ikea

Today when you are watching SpongeBob SquarePants and you hear the Mermaid Man you are hearing one of the coolest cats. RIP Ernest Borgnine!

Killing can't even begin to describe what I do to time.

just realized I'm an inventor. i get up early everyday and invent ways to not have to work.

Already excited about the iPhone 6. Too soon?

alright moms. back to work.

They say when u give an engagement ring it should cost three months salary. Cool. But I’m picking the months. April-june 2011. I made $6.

I hate clubbing as much as seals do.

Best business idea ever was changing the name of abduction tape to duct tape.