My bf likes to regularly punch me in the stomach to make sure there's nothing gestating. On an unrelated note, he named our stairs "Plan B."

Like global warming and cancer aren't bad enough, they had to go make another Planet of the Apes movie.

How to Kill a Spider: Spray it with RAID, beat it to death with the can, douse it in gasoline, burn down house, and move 50 miles away.

Saying "Google it" when you know the answer to someone's question but don't feel like explaining.

I love when a person's grammar and spelling are so bad that I can't even figure out the general idea behind his tweet. Good work schools!

I like 2 tell guys about my oral fixation. They think they've hit the jackpot… then I start biting the ever-loving shit outta them. Jackpot!

My bf was having fun humping my ass, so I spoiled his good time by telling him I love him. *^_^*

God created alcohol to make sure that, one way or another, the human race procreates.

My bf's telling me to get to sleep, but I'm busy eating Fig Newtons. When I learn how to both at the same time, life will be perfect.

Twitter needs more star fuckers and less other... ummmm... non-....star-fucking.... type... people...

yeah.

Dear Forever 21: a cheap, casual dress labeled "Dry Clean Only" is neither cheap nor practical for "casual" wear. Sincerely, Common Sense.

My bf is using a blacklight to look for semen spots on his bedspread right now. I can't imagine why we're jobless.

Can the zombie virus be transmitted sexually? Asking for a friend.

My week on Twitter: A bunch of bots and ppl looking for refollows followed me. Then they unfollowed me.

Sometimes I retweet without faving, but I never fav without retweeting. It doesn't make sense; if it's your fav, don't u wanna share it?

My breasts regularly swell & get huge. They must have a scrambler in them, b/c every time I cry "Ow ow ow" my bf hears "Plz grope them more"

There were a lot of movies I wasn't interested in until my parents told me I wasn't allowed to watch them.

"Blah blah blah Michelle Bachmann blah blah blah Smurfs 3D blah blah" ~ my suicide note

The wild bunny that lives in the yard always runs away when I get near. My plan is to throw rocks at it until it likes me.

*BF pokes me ㏌ the tailbone*
Me: Ow!
BF: Mmm… I want that sexy tailbone．
Me: S㏌ce when is that sexy?
BF: S㏌ce 2 seconds ago when u said "Ow"