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If a plague of zombies appeared, someone would open "fast food" joints just for them... "sub-human way" eat flesh.
You can tell i'm mad when i call someone a cum rag, arse jockey or a fuck weasel. The more angry i get, the more creative the swear words.
Being a father means staying around to teach, protect and love your children; If you don't, you are nothing more than a sperm doner.
I'm at my most Homer Simpson when waiting for my favourite meal to be ready..... Mmmm food.
It's kinda hard replying to a dm if the person doesn't follow you back.
If you're the one who starts the majority of the conversations, you probably like them way more than they like you.
The fact i can make you blush makes me want to see how much of your body turns red...
This whole different time zone thing really sucks hairy gorilla balls. As does my swearing skills it seems.
I have many bad habits, greatest of which is trusting people who are great at stabbing me in the back.
I thought long and hard about what you said, by that i mean my penis got long and hard thinking about you...
My 2yo just said "i love toilet paper. It make my bum happy." That's my girl.
Woke up at 4am to my phone flashing and got all excited, thought it was a message from someone... Nope, stupid fb.
I'd ravage hot women just as much as the next guy, but there are things called manners.
Daddy, when i grow up i want to be a llama. Why honey? Because they're prettier than sheep #thingsmykidssay
Does anyone else think Michael Jackson's favourite song growing up was "i am always blowing Bubbles"
Whitney, amy winehouse, Michael Jackson. You are all sorely missed... By people looking for funny material.
It must be awesome to be an Aussie porn star in the states or anywhere else. Catch phrase would have to be "I'm huge downunder"