@dickscurvy close! Darker stache

Seriously had a dream that someone shaved their vagina to match their mustache and this is why @zzzquil is the greatest stuff

Went through twitter lists, emails and vine and still avoiding everything I need to be doing if you need an employee w/strong work ethic

@funnycauseimfat how am I the only one who starred this

Really though, there are a million baby spiders by this door and not enough for me to do anything about it I'm pretty lazy.

If you cannot handle me at my worst then you cannot handle me taking care of all of these spider babies, there are many and it's gross

@glitta_j love and miss you xo

@jonny_r_hadley yes! What does it mean and i thought he was trying to be Leonardo decaprio or something

Every time I see this playstation commercial I get all of these emotions because what is going on, how does greatness await?!

Just caused a ruckus with a wayward chipmunk on my porch so I guess being the next Jane Goodall is out of the question

Love me for my shit grammar <3

I drank zzzquil and I think I just tipped his sonic lady like a hundred dollars for being nice to me

It's like you don't even know that I'm real and ridiculous, real ridiculous pic.twitter.com/caZtFQSJ8p

@swishergirl24 @barackobama haha I think 24 hrs tops for the beef ;)

How long can ground beef stay in your hair before it goes bad @barackobama

I have a purse full of creamer and opened band aids who wants to fuckin party

Today in Memphis, a homeless guy offered to trade his toilet paper for some change and then we enjoyed our sonic drinks <3

How can I tell anyone is in the car unless they have an elbow hanging out holding a cigarette?

Tonight on Alaska tv it's cold and where's my whiskey

If anyone wants to argue like a two year old my ex is available