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I am still full of passion despite being a witch
Now that I'm a professional runner, I put a headband on each thigh to keep my two dicks still.
Listened to an ariana grande song on purpose
My three year old wants to know "who ordered the stinky butt" because he's ready to serve it
To the person who stole my tuba, please return it, I need it
If men could stop being shitlords for five minutes it would be a fucking blessing
"Verbal sparring is fun" he informs me as I politely ask him to not talk about his body parts to me
The heart-ripping temple of doom scene but its me dominating the cotton candy machine at fenway
Everyone hide your porn and whiskey my mom is coming to my house today
It all sucks
Meanwhile a shitty white boy fraternity violently gang rapes a girl at uva and they continue livin life carefree and going to college
No thank you to nazi zombies, tired of this crap
Accidentally sprayed too much perfume trying to cover up my dead soul
A personal parenting milestone for me is the day I get dressed without a kid audience
I love my children unequally and in direct correlation to the power they demonstrate while plowing my lands. i'm a total bage.