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Looking forward to all of the dark chocolate, peanut butter and coconut candy that my kids don't want after trick or treating
At the end of the day, when I take my mustache off, I'm still a real piece of crap
Please respect my halloween wishes: a few 50 cent corn dogs from sonic
Could you imagine if the guy who links his tweets to you all of the time actually posted original content?
If you don't find your three year old on top of the refrigerator or trying to surf ceiling fans then you are living the life
If you turn the ceiling fan on high you can pull a three year old off the fan blades easy
When I find a man I like, I mark my territory by putting razor wire around his yard, no one gets in, no one gets out
Reading about anyone's tinder experience is very painful for me
Hey memphis, know where I can get a vote no on 1 shirt?
Reminder to delete the picture you took of your nipple so you could zoom in and see if it's weird
I love my children unequally and in direct correlation to the power they demonstrate while plowing my lands