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Waiting for my dog to finish drinking out of the toilet and come to bed
Me being the nerd in school has translated well on social media
What do you mean quit feeding my kids raw meat
Wasn't that obnoxious? Pls spread tweet bump awareness
I'm actually in a horrible mood, all of my livers are trying to leave my body today
Wonderful Wednesday, I stare at ass all day
You guys think you have problems and it's like, I had kids with a man who owns "buffet pants"
Get it? Because he's bald. Her dad is fucking bald.
My four year old pointed to a Sara Lee truck and asked if it was her dad and I pointed to the bald tire and said, yes, there he is
Let me stop what I was doing so I can give you an ego boost
I'm not allowed to tweet about my very strong vagina and that's ok, not everyone needs to know about it
I love my children unequally and in direct correlation to the power they demonstrate while plowing my lands