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Looking forward to my eventual demise: being mauled by bears
I get it. You have money. Loads of opinions. You post pictures of people without their knowledge making fun of them. You're a delight
Block block block
I will just pretend I'm sleeping and wait for you to come over and sing "lost kitten" to me, that's reasonable I think
Imagine being first. At anything.
You look so good in that new sleek convertible, I didn't even notice your erectile dysfunction
Cancelled plans with someone so I could go home and feel sorry for myself instead
Being a witch and getting pregnant by satan really sucks
The trick on Twitter is to only follow attractive people
I cried at the end of the book cujo
@carlyken @tweets_gonewild https://twitter.com/rzarosco/status/524734965293281280 … this made me laugh haha
When dates get in my car and hear me blasting Mac miller they know two things, I'm in my thirties and I lie about knowing martial arts
If you were wondering how many times a three year old will walk into a wall with a box on his head, the answer is 20 times, easy
Please allow me time to enjoy this man's mustache in peace
I love my children unequally and in direct correlation to the power they demonstrate while plowing my lands 322