Son peed all over the bathroom floor because he was trying to kill a spider with his pee. There's no way I'm punishing this act of heroism.

I hate opening up those Pillsbury biscuit cans. It's so hard overcoming the trauma of that surprise popping sound it makes every time.

It's really hard to take someone's anger seriously when they're eating a banana.

Sometimes, the sound of macaroni and cheese being stirred in a pot can disturbingly resemble the sounds of sexy time.

Diarrhea counts as exercise, right?

I'm so glad my sister in law came to visit. The homeless man I hired to wear my husband's pajamas was getting tired of spooning with me.

Some girls think they're so perfect because they don't have to apply deodorant under their breasts.

My 3 year old wants to tell Twitter that one of his poops looked like a french fry. Now you know where I get my tweets from.

I hate it when a curb tries to look cool in front of his curb friends and trips you as you walk by.

I hate when waitresses disregard my abandonment issues and switch shifts on me in the middle of my meal.

Tried talking dirty to my husband by saying I was grilling hot dogs while thinking of him. I really suck at this sexy stuff.

When I'm at the grocery store, I always get embarrassed when it's time to pick out cucumbers.

When someone tells me to give them a straight answer, I make sure I go out of my way to give them a really gay one.

The dishes look so beautiful glistening under the kitchen sink light, I just can't bring myself to do them. But I'm not lazy or anything.

If you choose to sit by me the first day of class, you choose to become my newest source of twitter material for the next 4 months.

This kid weaing a Dead Kennedys shirt had no idea who Jello Biafra is. So I told him he's the inventor of jello and to tell all his friends.

People who say kids aren't slaves are just jealous that they don't have anybody to fetch them a beer from the fridge.

My dog tells me I'm mean and insensitive for stepping on his foot and not apologizing for it. And that I'm almost out of my crazy pills.

My 3 year old thinks that if he closes his eyes when someone farts he won't get pink eye. So I farted on his pillow to prove him wrong.

Eating a banana. But being totally unsexy about it. Unless sliced bananas are your thing.