I can't be the only one deriving my dance moves from holding my bladder.

I read "part time model" as full time attention whore.

We all have, at our most desperate times, prayed sincerely for the blessing of superpowers.

Hari Raya-Where body art enthusiasts in their baju kurung fail to look like anything other than Orang Asli. Tuck those enlarged earlobes in.

A deaf man just approached me with a flurry of lewd handsigns. I was relieved when he only wanted a smoke.

In the haze I see a future with dystopian clarity. All the non smokers will die from lack of adaptation.

Louis Vuitton's condoms redefine 'brand whore'. . http://t.co/zXTSMDOQ for $68, you definitely are getting screwed.

I hate it when spare time gives me an excuse for twitterrhea. Self debating whether their floaters or sinkers.

If half your album photos are mirror shots, you're reflecting the wrong side of yourself.

Just got off an hour of flying with a screaming baby. Rethinking my contraceptive strategy. And my stance on child tranquilizers.

Students; teachers have needs too. A lil bit of sexy goes a long way. Remember now, its not degrading if it improves your grades.

In the name of the Kiedis, the Mayer and the holy Legend. Forgive me tune kings for I have sinned. When I'm tired, reggaeton gets me moving.

Overheard a stewardess pull out a fake accent to talk to the British pilot. Like amateur standup; fake, rehearsed and painful.

Its that time of the year again when people butcher that one Green Day song that should have died. Heal the world. Jab their throats.

Was smoking when a hot girl's skirt blew up and I choked. Confused as to whether they were tears of joy or suffocation.

Bet you didn't know Steve Jobs' Buddhist, made Breakout game, never donates to Charities and Dad's name is Abdulfattah http://t.co/rDZfJrS

May distance be the wind that puts out the weak while stoking the fires of great passion.

They are above the influence.. aided by great substance. #FF @anamusing @mauriceblitz @marcusstricklin @letsgetgizzy #sexdrugsrock&roll

"Thyme ish of the essenth" giggles Jamie Oliver, unaware that his lisp and cornyness has reached E. Coli levels.

The C-string: named after the note that angels strum upon your discovery of a girl wearing it.