Yes, its my 21st birthday. You may either buy me stuff, touch me inappropriate...or star this tweet.

When you're in high school, you smoke weed to get high. When you're an adult, you smoke weed to stay sane.

Sarcastic and mean are very different. Learn the difference, ass sack.

Wait. How the fuck does twitter determine who we're similar to? When did this turn into e-harmony?

Being the wonderful wife that I am, I did my husband's laundry. I also threw away a tee-shirt of his that I hate.

I like me so much better when you're naked

Don't get mad, get drunk.

One day I'll buy bonus features on favstar. Probably when I stop chain smoking and chugging vodka like it's water.

I don't break hearts, I break necks.

Changed my avi. Again. I have ADD. Let's go ride bikes.

So. Going to the berry festival today. Yes I know, I know #whitepeopleshit

If you haven't reported @fcklilgirls yet, please do so. Apparently shutting this guy down isn't a priority for twitter.

Bitch mode: activated.

All my best jokes are 141 characters.

I really want to go through my husband's texts. Not because I'm suspicious, I want to know if we'll have weed for the weekend. Heh.

So we're clear, a pity star is still a star.

You're not an artist just because you take pictures of flowers and make them black and white.

Been married a week and my in-laws are annoying the fucking shit out of me.

If I ever went psychotic and killed someone, it would most likely happen this weekend.

If you have tons of time to talk about your awesome sex life...guess what you're probably not doing...