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If you have a bad day, just remember things could be worse. Like tomorrow for instance. Things may definitely be way worse for you tomorrow.
Since air quotes are so annoying, I'm going to start doing air italics, where I just lean to the side when I want to emphasize something.
Groupon is like a daily email from your friend who's trying too hard to get over a break-up: Pole dancing! Spa day! Cooking class! So alone!
True gender equality will not exist until the women in my office stop insisting they will only eat a cookie if someone splits it with them.
Oh god, has Halloween still not happened? It's turned into one of those terrible girls who refer to their birthday as their birthday week.
I soaked up the soda from an old, leaking cup in my car with a handful of fast food receipts. It was like an episode of sad Mcgyver.
"What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is my favorite show about a golden retriever living as a man.
I just downloaded Google Maps for iOS so intently, the app reached out its finger to my lips and whispered, "Shhh. Who hurt you?"
Dating an outdoorsy person looks exhausting.
"A girl you barely knew in high school is playing Candy Crush. Oh, and it's your dead friend's birthday." -Facebook
I grew up in Vegas, so when I hear what happens there stays there, I assume that means no one needs to know about the year I wore headgear.
When you recognize an Internet friend in real life, the best approach is to stroke their cheek and say, "This face. I know this face."
Before you decide to do a choreographed dance at your wedding, remember you're legally required 2 perform that dance at your divorce hearing
Don't give me this "new" Christmas music. I only want the standards as sung by dead men I can safely assume bullied their fey sons.
I bet rich people like all of their underwear.
Last night at a suburban hotel bar I heard a drunk man ask a drunk woman, "How does that affect your probation?" Cupid, draw back your bow.
A universe where the Cheers theme plays not just after the first joke of each episode, but after every subsequent joke.