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I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
My favorite part of historical dramas is looking up the characters on Wikipedia so I can see how ugly they were in real life.
Since air quotes are so annoying, I'm going to start doing air italics, where I just lean to the side when I want to emphasize something.
Groupon is like a daily email from your friend who's trying too hard to get over a break-up: Pole dancing! Spa day! Cooking class! So alone!
The sad part of taking a sick day from work is knowing all the inanimate objects in your house are bummed they can't come to life that day.
Autumn: When we've all moved on from, "This is going to be our year!" to "Let's just make it through this year."
I soaked up the soda from an old, leaking cup in my car with a handful of fast food receipts. It was like an episode of sad Mcgyver.
True gender equality will not exist until the women in my office stop insisting they will only eat a cookie if someone splits it with them.
Oh god, has Halloween still not happened? It's turned into one of those terrible girls who refer to their birthday as their birthday week.
"What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is my favorite show about a golden retriever living as a man.
I don't get apple picking as a fun activity. What do we do afterward? Sew some pants in a sweatshop? Clean offices at night?
Connect Spotify to Facebook and play Johnny Cash's "Hurt" on repeat just to see if anyone still cares about you.
I'm waiting for Captain America: The Summer Soldier, where he just wears lots of fun sundresses.
I just downloaded Google Maps for iOS so intently, the app reached out its finger to my lips and whispered, "Shhh. Who hurt you?"
I carried a watermelon.
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