Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Since air quotes are so annoying, I'm going to start doing air italics, where I just lean to the side when I want to emphasize something.
Groupon is like a daily email from your friend who's trying too hard to get over a break-up: Pole dancing! Spa day! Cooking class! So alone!
If you have a bad day, just remember things could be worse. Like tomorrow for instance. Things may definitely be way worse for you tomorrow.
True gender equality will not exist until the women in my office stop insisting they will only eat a cookie if someone splits it with them.
Oh god, has Halloween still not happened? It's turned into one of those terrible girls who refer to their birthday as their birthday week.
I soaked up the soda from an old, leaking cup in my car with a handful of fast food receipts. It was like an episode of sad Mcgyver.
"What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is my favorite show about a golden retriever living as a man.
I just downloaded Google Maps for iOS so intently, the app reached out its finger to my lips and whispered, "Shhh. Who hurt you?"
I grew up in Vegas, so when I hear what happens there stays there, I assume that means no one needs to know about the year I wore headgear.
Before you decide to do a choreographed dance at your wedding, remember you're legally required 2 perform that dance at your divorce hearing
When you recognize an Internet friend in real life, the best approach is to stroke their cheek and say, "This face. I know this face."
I bet rich people like all of their underwear.
"A girl you barely knew in high school is playing Candy Crush. Oh, and it's your dead friend's birthday." -Facebook
Last night at a suburban hotel bar I heard a drunk man ask a drunk woman, "How does that affect your probation?" Cupid, draw back your bow.
You haven't replied to my text, but you just liked Kohl's on Facebook, WTF?
Every time you watch a viral video that turns out to be a promo for a big budget movie, a 25-year-old marketing guy named Connor gets a BMW.
"Never forget," she entered as her Facebook status. She looked up from her phone and grabbed her drink. "Is this soy? I asked for soy."