Since air quotes are so annoying, I'm going to start doing air italics, where I just lean to the side when I want to emphasize something.

True gender equality will not exist until the women in my office stop insisting they will only eat a cookie if someone splits it with them.

In case you were wondering if the Wall Street Journal is out of touch with average Americans and their income... pic.twitter.com/GMAqyM21

"What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is my favorite show about a golden retriever living as a man.

Is there an award for caption writing? http://t.co/h52HklWK

I just downloaded Google Maps for iOS so intently, the app reached out its finger to my lips and whispered, "Shhh. Who hurt you?"

Groupon is like a daily email from your friend who's trying too hard to get over a break-up: Pole dancing! Spa day! Cooking class! So alone!

I grew up in Vegas, so when I hear what happens there stays there, I assume that means no one needs to know about the year I wore headgear.

Oh god, has Halloween still not happened? It's turned into one of those terrible girls who refer to their birthday as their birthday week.

I'd been looking for a way to create sexual tension between me and my infant nephew. pic.twitter.com/HgXKhtr0

I bet rich people like all of their underwear.

Last night at a suburban hotel bar I heard a drunk man ask a drunk woman, "How does that affect your probation?" Cupid, draw back your bow.

Before you decide to do a choreographed dance at your wedding, remember you're legally required 2 perform that dance at your divorce hearing

"Never forget," she entered as her Facebook status. She looked up from her phone and grabbed her drink. "Is this soy? I asked for soy."

A Tostitos commercial is shooting on my street. I keep walking by, ostentatiously eating nachos, hoping to finally be discovered.

For a couple days I'll think of amazing feats when I hear "Red Bull." Then I'll go back to associating it with girls who say vodka, "vokka".

An unscripted show about famous people eating one bite of food beat out every comedy on last night, but keep writing that pilot.

Why yes, I did pimp my ride. This driver's side door compartment is exclusively for Taco Bell receipts.

I wouldn't say Channing Tatum's the Sexiest Man Alive, but he's definitely the Sexiest Man Who Kinda Reminds Me of a Squinty Potato.

Just realized the copy of True Grit I've been reading is a "Young Reader's Edition." Explains why Rooster Cogburn is an actual rooster.