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Since air quotes are so annoying, I'm going to start doing air italics, where I just lean to the side when I want to emphasize something.
Groupon is like a daily email from your friend who's trying too hard to get over a break-up: Pole dancing! Spa day! Cooking class! So alone!
I soaked up the soda from an old, leaking cup in my car with a handful of fast food receipts. It was like an episode of sad Mcgyver.
I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
True gender equality will not exist until the women in my office stop insisting they will only eat a cookie if someone splits it with them.
Oh god, has Halloween still not happened? It's turned into one of those terrible girls who refer to their birthday as their birthday week.
"What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is my favorite show about a golden retriever living as a man.
Connect Spotify to Facebook and play Johnny Cash's "Hurt" on repeat just to see if anyone still cares about you.
I'm waiting for Captain America: The Summer Soldier, where he just wears lots of fun sundresses.
I just downloaded Google Maps for iOS so intently, the app reached out its finger to my lips and whispered, "Shhh. Who hurt you?"
Dating an outdoorsy person looks exhausting.
"A girl you barely knew in high school is playing Candy Crush. Oh, and it's your dead friend's birthday." -Facebook
I grew up in Vegas, so when I hear what happens there stays there, I assume that means no one needs to know about the year I wore headgear.
Don't give me this "new" Christmas music. I only want the standards as sung by dead men I can safely assume bullied their fey sons.
Just did that thing where you read about something that happened 30 years ago and picture the mid-1960s, then realize 30 years ago was 1984.
When you recognize an Internet friend in real life, the best approach is to stroke their cheek and say, "This face. I know this face."
Before you decide to do a choreographed dance at your wedding, remember you're legally required 2 perform that dance at your divorce hearing