Are you aware that a two year old is capable of taking up an entire king size bed?

To my children: there really are Dads out there who are loving and supportive. I'm sorry I didn't give you one.

And lo, the Project was an abomination to mine eyes and I calleth it a ClusterFuck...

39 in Atlanta. Had to put a winter coat on last night, so I know how you feel, Canadians.

NoPantyTuesday. Because, laundry.

Beer me

I hate when I take the on ramp on two wheels like a badass...only to discover left blinker is still on two miles down the road.

I like my men the way I like my coffee: hot & strong, with no articificial sweeteners

Facebook people: I do not want to Add My Birthday. I do not want to Add Your Birthday.

Dear boss: it is unnecessary for you to walk into my office to adjust your balls.

He said "we'll have a safe word. And it's 'don't stop'."

Cowboy, you were a good boy.
Love you.

RIP pic.twitter.com/6B5CxIyh

It's unprofessional to type your password in the wrong place when giving an onscreen presentation. Apparently.

Related: password=FUCKTHIS

Look. I'm not gettin in a pissing contest with you. I'm physically ill-equipped. Feel free to continue with your dumb fuckery tho.

That feeling when you don't know what to do, hate to ask for help, but he says I'm on my way, I got it. Yeah. That.

Pro Tip: Nair is not for your nether region. Because, chemical burns.

I appreciate your thoughts. Yet, I'm reminded of my redneck bro's wisdom on unsolicited advice:
You just hold the head, I'm fuckin this cat

Divorce. Deaths. Cancer. Totaled vehicles. SWAT teams. Arrests. Lawyers...my 7yrs of bad luck are over. So I have said, so shall it be.

Insomnity: the state of being imsomnious

What friends send you... pic.twitter.com/U4bWnFZ9