@knitterplease's (Liar Princess) most faved Tweets...
Slipped a dude decaf today because he was an impatient prick and I didn't like his tone. Be nice to baristas, people. We can break your day.
I spilled glitter in my purse. Lots of it. Now whenever I reach in there for my keys or whatever I look like I've been fisting strippers.
When people are giving me health advice and they say not to drink coffee all I hear is "bleeble blorgle blah I'm an asshole".
Bikini line: waxed. Underarms: waxed. Eyebrows: waxed. The mustache stays. It makes me look *distinguished*.
I have a dream today. That one day we will be judged not by the cars we drive but by whether we know how to use our fucking turn signals.
Me, walking: "Pedestrians have the right of way AT ALL TIMES, fuckhole!"
Me, driving: "Jesus fuck, LOOK OUT FOR CARS, SHITSTAIN."
Me, driving: "Jesus fuck, LOOK OUT FOR CARS, SHITSTAIN."
You know what? All the funniest, smartest people I know are very mentally ill. This gives me hope and comfort.
You know how we all have that one trashy neighbor that goes outside in her slutty bathrobe or pj's? I don't have that neighbor. I am her.
Me: "Well, I guess I should have some coffee before I stab a motherfucker." Employee: (nervous laugh)
Sometimes I pause before saying something that might hurt someone's feelings, but then I'm all, "Haha! Feelings!" and I say it anyway.
Road rage begets delightful compound words. Just said "Are you fucking serious you cocksmoking asswhore."
Wait, you people talk about your sexual exploits on Twitter? Vulgar. You can bet if I ever have sex, I'm taking that straight to Facebook.
I am NOT listening to Christmas music.
I'm listening to the holiday date-rape classic, "Baby It's Cold Outside".
I'm listening to the holiday date-rape classic, "Baby It's Cold Outside".
I do wear pjs in public. Being self-employed means never having to wear clothes with a waistline. Or is it being clinically depressed?
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