If two people are truly meant to be together, chances are they'll fuck it up.

If you were any fucking dumber I'd have to water you.

A star is like a kiss on the forehead, which is really sweet and nice, but a RT is like hot frantic sex in an alley up against a brick wall.

Instead of drinking until they look hot maybe you should try running until you look hot.

Let's give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they "hate it"!! They are the real heroes.

Sometimes being pretty just isn't enough.

That's why I watch football and give head.

I pretend I'm super independent but I would totally marry the first ridiculously good looking wealthy man with an enormous cock who asked me

The opposite of love isn't hate.

It's selfishness.

I don't hide my tampons at work, I leave the box on my desk. It's just a nicer way of saying "leave me the fuck alone, thanks"

If you wait three days to call a girl, those are three days you could have been having sex.

My only argument with the treadmill is that I can't outrun my farts.

I tend to like people a whole lot more before I get to know them.

I appreciate a man that carries a tote bag, it's easier to spot than a wedding ring.

If Olive Garden is allowed to make their food look delicious in commercials then I feel totally justified in wearing a padded pushup bra.

I tried explaining Twitter to my grandma and she looked at me all concerned and asked "sugar, have you joined a fucking cult?"

When people say to me, "I miss your face", I can't help but picture an Asian man in a pie throwing contest "I miss your face, I try again".

Fact: I have a black belt in cuddling.

I was on my period and said "no not tonight" to which he replied "just because the Ferris Wheel is down doesn't meen the carnival's closed."

The people who don't eat their pizza crust seem to enjoy it a whole lot when it's called a bread stick, nice mind fuck Pizza Hut!

It's like the minute a guy finds out I love sucking dick he just can't like me for my mind.