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The key to fooling people into thinking you have the flu: neglecting your eyebrows for several weeks. Sure, it takes planning, but worth it!
So awkward when moms try to make small talk with me, you know, because I hate them all and everything...
Pour the crepe, lay down. Get up 40 seconds later, flip the crepe, lay down. Get up 40 seconds later, wish my family loved cereal.
Problems? Save that shit for Tuesday.
Camelbaks. Martini shakers in a pinch.
West Virginia, I am in you.
I just screamed "oh, shit" loud in the nail place because the tech asked me a question when I was composing a text and my brain exploded.
I dreamt that T & I were on our 1st date at 2012 London Olympics. I'll take it as proof that we'd end up together no matter when we started.
BTW, missy Franklin and I wear the same goggles. That means we're BFF swim sisters.
I see girls wearing bikini tops as shirts, think "I can do that!" then laugh and go back to eating BBQ sauce w/bread, French fries & pizza.
A crackhead walked out of a park, right to my car door while talking to himself & foaming at the mouth. Now there's piss all over my seat.
I got a wheel detail for free at the car wash today. Bullshit, nothing is free, I had to wear a low cut dress, bc, you know, boobs.
Once I slept under a whale. I have a puppy. I only drink beer when I've earned it by running. One of those statements is a lie.