Snooki is pregnant and Lindsay Lohan is sober. Clearly the apocalypse is near!

Dear @erinmallorylong I love you for this. I'm happy to know I'm not alone: http://t.co/JbeH5kTA via @hellogiggles

Dreams crushed. RT @malkatz I hope nobody is under the impression I want to have sex with them.

@erinmallorylong I would totally marry you but I'm already married & so are you. But I love you & ur love for Star Wars http://t.co/aDaULKf2

Only if we can have Late Night w/Jimmy Fallon playing in the background. RT @malkatz @koalahipster Let's have sex.

How Sundays should be spent. RT @girleastlikely2 Today is the perfect day to hit up the buffet in the strip club down the street.

@malkatz I may have just fallen in love w/you. You just described me, minus I met him several years ago. He is magical like a unicorn.

What about his hologram? RT @malkatz Guys, Dick Clark can't see your tweets.

@samalmightysam it'll be worse than peoples reaction to Rue being black. #hungergames

1st Rue, now this?! #hungergames He's BLACK?!?!?!?! Unfollowed! RT @louisguti3rr3z: why is @travon the only cool black guy on the internet??

@malkatz Orgazmo is amazing, unfortunately not many people are aware of this.

That was magical like a unicorn! RT @mikeroe There's a "Downton Abbey" rap song by @eugewarrock. YOU'RE WELCOME. http://t.co/uGUBFlXz

It'll get you the 2nd interview @mikeroe RT Do you need a fake English accent to work for a museum?

In a perfect world Downton Abbey would merge with The Walking Dead. Hollywood, make this happen!! ...and go!

I walked into a store and noticed the sales associate forgot to put pants on. Then I realized, oh nevermind, I'm in American Apparel.

It's ok. "I'd still catch a grenade for you." RT @yambofirstblood: I just can't get into Bruno Mars. Sorry. I'm not sorry really.

Thank you @erinmallorylong for remembering the ep when Clarissa watched tv for 24 hrs straight and went crazy: http://t.co/u89mkzNN

Nelly Furtado reference. Always appreciated. RT @girleastlikely2: The beauty of my youth is gone but the chemicals remain.

Sex w/out a condom is the new promise ring. RT @rachelhastings: Promise ring is the new pinky swear.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail. #OWS