Sucks when a coworker asks how your weekend was & you meant to say "good" but it came out as "Fuck you, Natalie"

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love call the police bc you’re outside of their window with binoculars again

Just read that grizzly bears can run faster than horses. WHY AREN'T WE RIDING GRIZZLY BEARS

Before saving you from choking, I will first check to see if your latest Facebook status includes song lyrics

I know a girl 4 yrs younger than me who runs her own business & has 2 kids. I just ate 34 M&M's & downloaded an app called "Catify Yourself"

At first I was like "are the women in this movie trailer tough & independent?" but then Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger" started playing & I knew

Worried cause I heard a beep & didnt know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm

If I were rich, I'd hire someone whose sole responsibility was to stand at tops of stairwells & high five me when I get to the top.

Always thought I'd grow up to be a doctor, not someone who dresses up their cat. But, I got a D in biology & this tiny sweater is only $2.97

Today this bird was like “hi can u almost kill yourself to avoid hitting me while I sit in the road like a jackass?” I was like “ok I guess”

How to Change a Tire: 1) Stare into trunk for 25 min 2) Check glove compartment to see if you still have those Cheetos 3) Call Dad

It would be pretty badass if someone asked you to open a jar of pickles & you just smashed it on your face

I feel bad for my Facebook friend Jenny because she has a long day tomorrow & wishes it was Friday

My gym asked if I wanted to renew my membership so I just sent them a video of me eating Crisco with a spoon

I would literally rather find a great white shark in my shower than a centipede

Never go to bed angry. Stay up late practicing clever comebacks in the mirror.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think "oh that girl's not looking at ME she's looking at EVERYTHING"

Taylor Swift has more feelings in one song than I've had in my entire life

Ever glance at a bathroom stall & accidentally make eye contact with someone through the crack? ME NEITHER me neither me neither

I haven't tweeted in a week because I've been busy listening to one of my mom's voicemails