In 1897, James Drew Curle in a fit of rage shoved a plate of left overs to the other side of a table, contents still intact. #curlingfacts

Slept like a crack baby.

"This changes everything!" -Someone using a change machine for the first time.

My voting strategy hasn't changed much. If you promise to put a vending machine in the gym, you have my vote.

My dirty little secret is usually my belly button.

Just watched 'Inception.' MIND. IS. BLOWN. Going to cut my losses and just call it a week.

I need a girlfriend. Actually, I really just need a sandwich. But a girlfriend would be nice, too.

I've discovered pieces of Cheetos in my couch more exciting than these new alien life forms.

Still waiting for my Google Wave invite.

Switching my relationship status with dairy products to its complicated.

In the 72 hours since my last cigarette: I reduced my chances of a heart attack, increased my energy levels and lost all will to live.

Growing tired of all the Monday jokes. They're irritating, boring and dull. Like Mondays, for example.

Does anyone need help moving? Because I could really go for two slices of average pizza.

Stay black, Friday.

Putting my inner child up for adoption.

Hey remember that Tom Green guy? What the hell was that about?

Never trust a girl with a big butt and a smile. Or a penis.

I've been sitting in the same spot with my cat on my lap for hours now, damn thing thinks I'm a lazy boy or something.

Wearing my fuck me flip-flops, today.

Making something out of nothing is creativity at its purest form.