If you like a tweet, just retweet it, this isn't a job where you get money for stealing your co-workers' ideas.

Sorry sex toy bot, i get my toys from the produce department.

Nobody has ever loved me enough to violate a restraining order.

I really hesitate to follow back if your bio is all about loving life and shit.

When are they finally gonna make a shampoo bottle dildo?

Even the best food turns to shit.

Favstar is the new cocaine.

Spent the day rapturizing a bunch of fleas up into vacuum cleaner heaven.

Your 25 year-old boobies don't match your 55 year-old face.

Why does that bitch think every loser is a druggie? Some of us are alcoholics too.

Hipster sideburns don't make you cool but a big porn 'stache might get you some pussy.

Follow through is essential, but so is holding on to the knife.

Does your hand ever get tired of stroking your ego?

What the hell are figments and why are they only in my imagination?

Big boobs, big hair, big vacant stare.

I burned a bunch of bridges but this flying monkey is offering me a ride back.

I just saw a guy get mustard bukkake from a corn dog in an antacid commercial.

Of course i smell like dirty socks and mullet sweat, i've been at the skating rink.

If titties could type they'd have more followers than justin beaver.

Now i know why i don't know what's going on, it's a medical condition.