@kristenoversix's (Kristen T) most faved Tweets...
I sighed, "If I don't get chocolate now, I'm going to freak out." A Hershey's Kiss sailed over my cubicle wall.
This office. It fears me.
This office. It fears me.
This truck in front of me is kicking up so many rocks at my car that I'm having flashbacks to that time I was on trial for witchcraft.
The doctor on the news this morning said we need to stop calling the vagina "va-jay-jay." So is "the Devil's pocketbook" still okay?
A lady gets on the el and picks a fight with a seat. 5 passengers pull out their phones and start texting.
Hi there, fellow Twitterfolk!
Hi there, fellow Twitterfolk!
Note to self: It's a bad idea to watch zombie movies by yourself at night. That bookshelf in front of the door is probably a fire hazard.
I guess you could say that this wine is good to cook with, but I suck at cooking.
So I'll just say this wine is good to drink with.
So I'll just say this wine is good to drink with.
She said, "The kids can't play in the basement. That's where we keep the shotgun."
And just like that, the lunch conversation got AWESOME.
And just like that, the lunch conversation got AWESOME.
Instead of making a to-do list, I interject my tasks into conversation. "I'm glad your kid learned to walk. I need to get my oil changed."
"I used the word 'lexicon' and they all got really quiet."
"They were probably trying to remember which Transformer 'Lexicon' was."
"They were probably trying to remember which Transformer 'Lexicon' was."
I would laugh at the kids hanging out of the bus window at the ice cream truck, but I was doing the same thing to a beer truck 2 blocks ago.
"Hey kid, here's a legal-sized envelope and a plastic water bottle. Amuse yourself while I check my email."
I'm the worst babysitter ever.
I'm the worst babysitter ever.
I thought that what I lacked in looks, I could make up with personality. But that meant I had to be nice. So, plastic surgery it is!
I told the librarian I didn't care for Stephen King's novels. He said that I didn't look like I would. That's librarian for "I love you."
What do you mean it costs $60 a ticket for our high school reunion? I think you misunderstood me when I said that you couldn't pay me to go
I've never been mauled by a chimp, but I have been punched in the back of the head by a cougar at a Big Head Todd and the Monsters show.
Please note that while a kickass industrial shredder will eat an entire checkbook, it will freak the fuck out if you feed it a paperclip.
My office is creepy when I leave alone at night. I scare off the serial killers by screaming like a little girl as I run to my car.
I thought I was going crazy & hearing voices but I just accidentally left my GPS on. I doubt schitzophrenics hear "recalculating route."
That took some balls to cut me off. I assumed you had them removed when you bought that Volkswagon Beetle.
"Listen, I haven't figured out that fingerprint thing, but you totally look like you killed that guy and stuff." ~Me as a detective.
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