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Next generation: do me a favor and stop signing up for Wall Street. Go into the sciences, okay? Science is WAY COOLER than greed. Thanks
Jay-Z: "Babe, please leave the part out where I come too fast on your dress in the limo. It's embarrassing." 'Yonce: "No."
Do I just buy bananas to watch them die?
Hey Michaels! Now's your chance to DESTROY Hobby Lobby. Run with this!
I've said it before: Happy Father's Day! Dads, you are literally Mother Fuckers. Thank you!
I started looking at the internet on my phone in the middle of looking at the internet on my computer. ADD confession.
It's good manners to send a tequila shot to an elderly person if you see them dining alone.
Whatever doesn't kill us makes us weirder.
Maybe women can use penis pumps as breast pumps since they're more likely to be covered by insurance.
Short shorts are great until you have to peel your thighs off of whatever public seat you're on.
The NBA is forcing Sterling to sell the team for hundreds of millions of dollars. That'll make him learn his lesson.
I hope the inventor of the car alarm built their mansion next door to a howler monkey sanctuary.
I don't mean to brag, but I did get invited to LinkedIn last night.
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