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Whatever happens tonight, I hope Americans will just relax and love the shit out of each other.
So far best thing about 2013 is you can pull the tail around of the last 2 in 2012 to make it a 3 when you write the date wrong. Good tweet.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
Saying "Poop" & "Pee" is SO vulgar! I wish people would use polite terms like "Night Soil" & "Angel Discharge."
If you can't fart in front of your partner then you should BREAK UP! Because you're living a lie.
Thanks a lot Daylight Savings! Now I have to wait an extra hour for Christmas.
It's not that I like fast food, it's that I LOVE not getting out of my car.
Hey Bed Bath & Beyond, don't call them "throw pillows" then act like I did something wrong in your store.
I dance like no one's watching, but I make love like EVERYBODY is.
If someone's "lost at sea" they're not really "lost." We know where they are! In the sea! Stay positive people, that's my gift to you.
Amelia Earhart is 115 today. We've got to look for her harder! She may be too frail to wave a plane down.
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
The most important quality I look for in a man is he's got to have a sense of humor about his enormous cock.
Another shooting today. Thank God a civilian had a gun to take down the killer in the moment. Oh wait. THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
Why bars suck: we come to chat, not scream over the music. I'll never understand.
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
Wow! Simpsons, thank you for the chalkboard correction. I can't stop smiling. No one's ever been that nice. #http://yfrog.com/h78rxxaj