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Next generation: do me a favor and stop signing up for Wall Street. Go into the sciences, okay? Science is WAY COOLER than greed. Thanks
The most important quality I look for in a man is he's got to have a sense of humor about his enormous cock.
Jay-Z: "Babe, please leave the part out where I come too fast on your dress in the limo. It's embarrassing." 'Yonce: "No."
Do I just buy bananas to watch them die?
I know racism is rampant, but I wasn't aware until recent events just how proud some people are of their racism. We have a LONG way to go.
Hey Michaels! Now's your chance to DESTROY Hobby Lobby. Run with this!
To wildly successful starlets who get asked if they're a feminist and they say no b/c they've never noticed inequality: STOP IT.
The Seagulls won!!!!
I've said it before: Happy Father's Day! Dads, you are literally Mother Fuckers. Thank you!
I heard so many songs about butts on TV last night. I wonder what 2015's body part will be? I'm hoping collar bone or knees.
I started looking at the internet on my phone in the middle of looking at the internet on my computer. ADD confession.
Excited to watch everyone try to be their best selves for one day.
My husband and I are in an open fart marriage.
Check your mustards, America. They're prob expired. Let's all get new mustards for 2015.
It's good manners to send a tequila shot to an elderly person if you see them dining alone.
Comedian, actress, writer.
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