My husband is laying diagonally and my cat is at my feet. Now I have to decide who to strongly push over and then pretend to be asleep.

Just heard someone say winegina instead of vagina. It wasn't a mistake, that's just how his accent makes the word sound. #lovemyjob

Odds are the middle aged lady who thinks it's cute to say Valentimes Day repeatedly is probably spending Valentine's Day with her cats.

61 Things I Learned At The National Hobo Convention http://t.co/73AvWWlC @burywite @tacodouglas

"I'm checking for any lesions or bruising on your head. Your hair is very soft so that is really good." -med student "Good." -me

Trademarked! "@joshmock: @kristieredding "Bluetooth rendezvous" sounds like a really bad jazz album."

Scarlett gave Elliott a random ATOMIC wedgie & then quietly said "No thank you" and walked away. Sometimes I wish I was her. #2YrOld #4YrOld

"We gotta lock in the locations!"-my husband randomly waking up/speaking "Yeah, you're talking crazy again."-me "Oh, ok."-husband #usedtoit

Sometimes you just have to lock yourself in your bathroom and eat a chocolate bar secretly. That's real parenthood.

@davidjtate @tacodouglas @burywite Yeah, I'm not a dude and I hate marinara! But I'm a lady so I keep my mouth shut like I'm supposed to.

I've eaten so much pizza and watched so much video gaming for @burywite 's birthday week and we haven't even started the weekend yet.

@davidjtate @tacodouglas That must be why he pretends to not like the Twilight movies! 😵

@tacodouglas How are we friends?!

This shall be our new life/family goal “@burywite: I want one of these so, so badly..  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0JZszqC7mk&feature=youtube_gdata_player … #AmericanFotoplayer”

I'm playing a 23 year old at work tomorrow for a pharmacy case. My self esteem is preeeetty high right now.

"Those guys smoke like a fish. Just all the time." -my stepdad

My 6 year old just gave me a foot rub for $1. I wonder how long I can keep this type of child labor going. #parenthood

The last page of Elliott's creative writing book. @burywite  http://instagram.com/p/YEmPd9E1um/ 

"Are there side effects to these antibiotics?"-me "No, none. Well except for like, just sudden diarrhea/vomiting."-very casual pharmacist

Great anniversary present from @burywite The head and tail move when I turn my head! @kirsten_laverty…  http://instagram.com/p/XsP6jpk1jb/