We can say whatever we want about the Amish on here and they'll never know! I'll start: They're very good woodworkers.

Why a groundhog, anyway? I want a bear in a cape to decide this shit, and someone should have to die.

A new study reports that the #1 cause of anxiety is how fucking WEIRD everything is.

If a picture frame doesn’t have the word “memories” written on it in giant cursive letters, how do I know what I'm looking at?!

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don’t get it. Moving on.

I peed my pants and now everyone thinks I spilled water on myself like some kind of slob.

Got honked at on the way to work. I guess I look hot turning left on a red light. 

Best way out of a boring conversation is to look at your watch and be like, “Oh, I gotta run, I’m super bored.”

I haven't tweeted in a few days; I was listening to one of my mom's voicemail messages.

There’s a cricket living outside my apartment. I’m all “Cricket, it’s winter, shouldn’t you die?” and he’s all “Chirp!” and we laugh.

Just changed out of my daytime pajamas and into my nighttime pajamas.

All my stories have the same ending: “Never mind, sorry.”

I’ve been calling my husband “babe” for five years because I’m too embarrassed to tell him I forgot his name.

Just saw a church sign that said “Sunday 8:30am JESUS!” I guess they're mad about having to get up so early.

You can tell I’m shy by the way I twirl around at parties yelling “I’m shy!”

If someone catches you crying, just say you have something in your eye that's making your life feel meaningless.

Today I listened to the wind tell a story in the trees. Something about an old friend who got fat ... surprisingly petty stuff.

I saw a deer this morning! Just in a picture, but still WOW.

Don't ever let anyone tell you you're not good enough! Unless you're really not that good. Maybe ask around.