BIG difference between “we’re” and “were”, idiot. Go back to school. One’s a contraction and the other is a kickass kind of wolf.

The inventor of the rectal thermometer must have been pretty persuasive.

“These crackers are a little dry.” – Racist cannibal.

Should I tell the doctors that I tried to commit suicide or be honest and explain I thought I could stop the train with my mind?

My first prostate exam wasn't as bad as I expected but I still didn't have the heart to tell him I'm not a real doctor.

Hopefully this city will soon have a Batman-like superhero watching over it or else I murdered all those parents for nothing.

Gouging really brings out your eyes.

Superman isn't as impressive when you realise that "kryptonite" is just another word for gluten.

Covering someone's eyes and saying "Guess who?" is a really fun way to make friends at urinals.

My snacks got stuck in the vending machine at the hospital so now I'm just pulling plugs everywhere.

Spent all weekend force-feeding pizza to a turtle because I don't want my childhood to be a lie.

Tell an old teacher that they inspired you to become who you are today. Hand them a business card that simply reads “BEAR.” Maul them.

HOT PRINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO MEET YOU.

Just threw a bunch of bricks into the duck pond because I've never once been thanked for all that bread.

Suicide watch sounds like a killer fashion accessory.

A bunch of balloons and a "One Millionth Visit" banner just fell from the ceiling when I started masturbating.

Snakes have a right to low-cost air travel too, you piece of shit.

Turns out what Stacy's mom had "going on" was actually an extremely rare blood condition. Funeral's on Thursday.

Just urinated on all my house plants because they need to know who's in charge. (I'm so alone in this world.)

Chris Hansen just threw me a really lame surprise party.