It is no accident that Martini starts with mmmmmmmmm

No amount of reality can minimize the awesomeness that my dog thinks is our life

A watched pot does not boil...it waits until you turn your back so it can boil over and fuck up the whole stove

"my boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble"--me, to my vag

whether shouted, spoken, growled, whispered or moaned

fuck


is a great word

I am sitting in my gym's parking lot trying to convince myself I already worked out today. I'm clearly too smart to fall for my own bs.

Worked out, drugged up, showered, shaved, smellin good, off to a massage. I'm a self-indulgent little princess today

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES HAVE ARRIVED!!! (tweeting from under the stairs in the basement for rest of the morning. No worries, I grabbed milk)

Driving 30mph gives me plenty of time to catch up on what's going on around me

On Twitter

I know it's exiting to see me, I am fantastic. But don't pee yourself every time I walk in the room. Wagging ur tail doesn't negate the pee

I need someone to come spring clean my house, I'm entirely too busy cleaning myself up for spring break.

The rate at which my glove compartment runs out of vodka is both disheartening and perplexing

"YUP" is a great answer in many situations

Adding "s" to a word once is acceptable. 2 or more times in the same game just makes me question ur manhood, intellect & desire to get laid

The carpet matches the drapes perfectly. Not that, sickos, I have a full head of hair. My toes match my panties. Same euphemism, right?

my dog & his vacant look is the cutest damn being I've ever seen. It also helps me understand men's extraordinary attraction to blondes

BF: don't tweet about this, by the way

Me: too late

It's like he just met me

Shower, beach, drink, rinse, repeat

While I have to be an adult and get out of bed, I refuse to be all Grownup about it. I'll be wearing superhero pj top and lightup sneakers

I wonder if Sickness can handle my 6 vodka elixir? Wish me luck