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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
    34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) You son of a bitch.

    • 327
    • LIKES
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    • 147
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
    Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

    It's like she didn't want a tip.

    • 142
    • LIKES
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    • 54
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
    Me: I have it memorized, ready?
    Husband: WHAT?!
    Me: What.

    • 124
    • LIKES
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    • 52
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Just got carded for buying rubber cement. Hey kids - in my day, we drank alcohol.

    • 113
    • LIKES
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    • 46
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    My throat hurts. This can't happen.
    If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.

    • 100
    • LIKES
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    • 49
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Dropped birth control pill. Dog ate it.

    Have fun humping your stuffed animal.

    • 96
    • LIKES
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    • 43
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    If I told my husband how much I paid for shampoo, he would stop using my shampoo. But then I would be admitting how much I paid for shampoo.

    • 74
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Liquor store employee: can I see your ID?
    Me: YESSSSSS
    Liquor store employee: you didn't sign the back of your credit card.
    Me: Oh.

    • 61
    • LIKES
    CwmDumpsterHockeyWife44Foward44CassieWood11grownbygertgraceful_asfuckBwanaChrisCaptstabbyface
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Does anyone else run on your tippy toes if you're barefoot? Does anyone else say tippy toes?

    • 54
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    • 24
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    "That looks absolutely miserable. It would suck to do that everyday." --my husband, watching me put on skinny jeans.

    • 59
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    • 18
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    "The silent ones smell the best." - my 6-year-old daughter.

    This is why I sit in my closet and talk to you fine people.

    • 40
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    • 13
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Me: Siri, what was Royals score last night?
    Siri: The Royals got smashed by the Mariners 6 to nothing.
    Me: You trash talkin', Siri?

    • 44
    • LIKES
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    • 7
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    If we're going to discuss public bathrooms, my vote is to ban automatic flushing toilets for scaring the crap out of my kids.

    • 39
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    • 12
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Puts hand down garbage disposal, searching for the clog. Prays a ghost doesn't flip the switch.

    • 29
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    • 15
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    10: Mom, a boy teased me at school for having hairy legs.
    Me: He's not worth shaving for.
    10: Huh?
    Me: Just remember that.

    • 33
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Cut a bunch of jalapeños. Rubbed my eye. And then I saw Satan himself on this fine Sunday morning.

    • 29
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    It would be great if flight attendants could wipe the drool off your face while sleeping on a plane.

    • 25
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    • 12
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    7 minutes and 34 seconds - first fight into summer. I timed their asses. pic.twitter.com/KwiWKVYSJr

    • 33
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    7: A KU player talked to our class.
    Me: What'd you say?
    7: Nothing.
    Me: What'd you do?
    7: (sighs) I gave him a thumbs down in the audience.

    • 28
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Parent rookie move: I smelled the finger.

    • 22
    • LIKES
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    • 9
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@ksujulie

@ksujulie Pro

I'm here to laugh. Oh, and sometimes I have sports meltdowns on Twitter.

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