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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
    34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) You son of a bitch.

    • 222
    • LIKES
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    • 98
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
    Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

    It's like she didn't want a tip.

    • 105
    • LIKES
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    • 41
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
    Me: I have it memorized, ready?
    Husband: WHAT?!
    Me: What.

    • 94
    • LIKES
    TheCatWhisprerHousewifeOfHellbiacordeiro94SardonicTartmomma0315paperphotoyopartlyfunnyCountrylawyer99
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Just got carded for buying rubber cement. Hey kids - in my day, we drank alcohol.

    • 94
    • LIKES
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    • 36
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Dropped birth control pill. Dog ate it.

    Have fun humping your stuffed animal.

    • 86
    • LIKES
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    • 38
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    My throat hurts. This can't happen.
    If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.

    • 82
    • LIKES
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    • 36
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    If I told my husband how much I paid for shampoo, he would stop using my shampoo. But then I would be admitting how much I paid for shampoo.

    • 56
    • LIKES
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    • 15
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Does anyone else run on your tippy toes if you're barefoot? Does anyone else say tippy toes?

    • 45
    • LIKES
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Liquor store employee: can I see your ID?
    Me: YESSSSSS
    Liquor store employee: you didn't sign the back of your credit card.
    Me: Oh.

    • 43
    • LIKES
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    • 17
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    "That looks absolutely miserable. It would suck to do that everyday." --my husband, watching me put on skinny jeans.

    • 38
    • LIKES
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    • 11
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Me: Siri, what was Royals score last night?
    Siri: The Royals got smashed by the Mariners 6 to nothing.
    Me: You trash talkin', Siri?

    • 41
    • LIKES
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    • 6
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    "The silent ones smell the best." - my 6-year-old daughter.

    This is why I sit in my closet and talk to you fine people.

    • 37
    • LIKES
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    • 10
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    If we're going to discuss public bathrooms, my vote is to ban automatic flushing toilets for scaring the crap out of my kids.

    • 31
    • LIKES
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    • 7
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Puts hand down garbage disposal, searching for the clog. Prays a ghost doesn't flip the switch.

    • 25
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    • 10
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Cut a bunch of jalapeños. Rubbed my eye. And then I saw Satan himself on this fine Sunday morning.

    • 27
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    7 minutes and 34 seconds - first fight into summer. I timed their asses. pic.twitter.com/KwiWKVYSJr

    • 32
    • LIKES
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    10: Mom, a boy teased me at school for having hairy legs.
    Me: He's not worth shaving for.
    10: Huh?
    Me: Just remember that.

    • 26
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    7: A KU player talked to our class.
    Me: What'd you say?
    7: Nothing.
    Me: What'd you do?
    7: (sighs) I gave him a thumbs down in the audience.

    • 26
    • LIKES
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    • 4
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    It would be great if flight attendants could wipe the drool off your face while sleeping on a plane.

    • 21
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    partlyfunnyLnL245AusEffJennawhatnowkcmoore51TheBoydPDrMom25MAOneFunnyMummy
    • 9
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Parent rookie move: I smelled the finger.

    • 19
    • LIKES
    Mister_Burnhammsbtxkcmoore51jonvon77emceej14c450c6784243eTankCesarTheBoydP
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
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@ksujulie

@ksujulie Pro

Mom - Wife - Writer - Whiskey drinker - KSU lover - Bacon hater, please don't drop me as a friend.

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