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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
    34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) You son of a bitch.

    • 161
    • LIKES
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    • 72
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
    Me: I have it memorized, ready?
    Husband: WHAT?!
    Me: What.

    • 83
    • LIKES
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    • 32
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
    Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

    It's like she didn't want a tip.

    • 73
    • LIKES
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    • 26
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Just got carded for buying rubber cement. Hey kids - in my day, we drank alcohol.

    • 63
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    • 21
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Dropped birth control pill. Dog ate it.

    Have fun humping your stuffed animal.

    • 60
    • LIKES
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Does anyone else run on your tippy toes if you're barefoot? Does anyone else say tippy toes?

    • 41
    • LIKES
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Liquor store employee: can I see your ID?
    Me: YESSSSSS
    Liquor store employee: you didn't sign the back of your credit card.
    Me: Oh.

    • 36
    • LIKES
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    • 14
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    My throat hurts. This can't happen.
    If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.

    • 34
    • LIKES
    damitab26SylvieBraun1MotherOfKaneRhinaFerrerkcmoore51harbitcrystal79SamLoonieLamontJoe
    • 11
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    "The silent ones smell the best." - my 6-year-old daughter.

    This is why I sit in my closet and talk to you fine people.

    • 31
    • LIKES
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    • 7
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    "That looks absolutely miserable. It would suck to do that everyday." --my husband, watching me put on skinny jeans.

    • 29
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    • 8
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Cut a bunch of jalapeños. Rubbed my eye. And then I saw Satan himself on this fine Sunday morning.

    • 25
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    • 7
    • RETWEETS
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Puts hand down garbage disposal, searching for the clog. Prays a ghost doesn't flip the switch.

    • 21
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    It would be great if flight attendants could wipe the drool off your face while sleeping on a plane.

    • 20
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    • 9
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    If we're going to discuss public bathrooms, my vote is to ban automatic flushing toilets for scaring the crap out of my kids.

    • 22
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Parent rookie move: I smelled the finger.

    • 19
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    How can I return to this gym after my husband forgot he had headphones in and shouts - "CHECK OUT THAT YOGA GUY GIVING HIMSELF A BLOWJOB."

    • 19
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    I'm interviewing my fellow K-State alum @ericstonestreet tomorrow for Simply KC mag!

    Wabash Cannonball time. 💜 pic.twitter.com/qgV9bN5tx7

    • 24
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    To put karma on my side, I will give every Twitter follower $1,000 if I win the Powerball. Cheer me on.

    • 19
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    Me: where's your purple?
    Kate: I have a K-State bracelet on.
    Me: we'll lose.
    Kate: mom, you're so mean. (Stomps upstairs)
    Me: FACE PAINT.

    • 20
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    • 3
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  • ksujulie
      Julie Burton @ksujulie

    You know school is near when your kids are grounded for attempted murder.
    Can I get you anything, teachers? Water? Cocktail? Shoulder rub?

    • 17
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    • 5
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@ksujulie

@ksujulie Pro

Mom - Wife - Writer - Whiskey drinker - KSU lover - Bacon hater, please don't drop me as a friend.

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