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10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) You son of a bitch.
Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
Me: I have it memorized, ready?
Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It's like she didn't want a tip.
Just got carded for buying rubber cement. Hey kids - in my day, we drank alcohol.
Dropped birth control pill. Dog ate it.
Have fun humping your stuffed animal.
Does anyone else run on your tippy toes if you're barefoot? Does anyone else say tippy toes?
Liquor store employee: can I see your ID?
Liquor store employee: you didn't sign the back of your credit card.
My throat hurts. This can't happen.
If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.
"The silent ones smell the best." - my 6-year-old daughter.
This is why I sit in my closet and talk to you fine people.
"That looks absolutely miserable. It would suck to do that everyday." --my husband, watching me put on skinny jeans.
Cut a bunch of jalapeños. Rubbed my eye. And then I saw Satan himself on this fine Sunday morning.
Puts hand down garbage disposal, searching for the clog. Prays a ghost doesn't flip the switch.
It would be great if flight attendants could wipe the drool off your face while sleeping on a plane.
If we're going to discuss public bathrooms, my vote is to ban automatic flushing toilets for scaring the crap out of my kids.
Parent rookie move: I smelled the finger.
How can I return to this gym after my husband forgot he had headphones in and shouts - "CHECK OUT THAT YOGA GUY GIVING HIMSELF A BLOWJOB."
To put karma on my side, I will give every Twitter follower $1,000 if I win the Powerball. Cheer me on.
Me: where's your purple?
Kate: I have a K-State bracelet on.
Me: we'll lose.
Kate: mom, you're so mean. (Stomps upstairs)
Me: FACE PAINT.
You know school is near when your kids are grounded for attempted murder.
Can I get you anything, teachers? Water? Cocktail? Shoulder rub?
Mom - Wife - Writer - Whiskey drinker - KSU lover - Bacon hater, please don't drop me as a friend.
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