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10-year-old me: When am I ever going to use long division in real life?
34-year-old-me: (opening daughter's backpack) You son of a bitch.
Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It's like she didn't want a tip.
Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
Me: I have it memorized, ready?
Just got carded for buying rubber cement. Hey kids - in my day, we drank alcohol.
My throat hurts. This can't happen.
If I get sick, the house collapses, and my family wanders the streets in search of shelter and food.
Dropped birth control pill. Dog ate it.
Have fun humping your stuffed animal.
If I told my husband how much I paid for shampoo, he would stop using my shampoo. But then I would be admitting how much I paid for shampoo.
Liquor store employee: can I see your ID?
Liquor store employee: you didn't sign the back of your credit card.
Does anyone else run on your tippy toes if you're barefoot? Does anyone else say tippy toes?
"That looks absolutely miserable. It would suck to do that everyday." --my husband, watching me put on skinny jeans.
"The silent ones smell the best." - my 6-year-old daughter.
This is why I sit in my closet and talk to you fine people.
Me: Siri, what was Royals score last night?
Siri: The Royals got smashed by the Mariners 6 to nothing.
Me: You trash talkin', Siri?
If we're going to discuss public bathrooms, my vote is to ban automatic flushing toilets for scaring the crap out of my kids.
Puts hand down garbage disposal, searching for the clog. Prays a ghost doesn't flip the switch.
10: Mom, a boy teased me at school for having hairy legs.
Me: He's not worth shaving for.
Me: Just remember that.
Cut a bunch of jalapeños. Rubbed my eye. And then I saw Satan himself on this fine Sunday morning.
It would be great if flight attendants could wipe the drool off your face while sleeping on a plane.
7: A KU player talked to our class.
Me: What'd you say?
Me: What'd you do?
7: (sighs) I gave him a thumbs down in the audience.
Parent rookie move: I smelled the finger.
I'm here to laugh. Oh, and sometimes I have sports meltdowns on Twitter.
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