Tearing the garage apart looking for a lost driveshaft. I figured I’d lose something at some point, but why this?!?

I don't like morning people. And, quite frankly, I'm not a huge fan of afternoon people.

Is it a bad sign when you spend all your time trying not to roll your eyes and make sarcastic comments during a meeting with management?

Somewhere someone is sitting on a beach relaxing. I'm not jealous. I can see part of a tree from my cubicle. Sometimes. Through the tears.

I'm convinced that rib eye steaks are the reason God made cows.

Scoliosis! It's a backstory with a twist!

Happy to be here in San Bernardino. Only had to avoid a single homeless guy to get inside. @ Norman F.…  http://instagram.com/p/Y0M_OKpnEu/ 

Eliminate the bi-annual time change caused by Daylight Savings Time  http://wh.gov/fh4k 

@osfooramac Noticing that TweetMarker updates other apps, but Osfoora doesn't scroll to most recent spot set by others. Can that be fixed?

Oh happy day. Another job rejection. One more and I think I get a gumball. That's been used. And full of lead.

I think the earthquake drill would have been better if there was an actual earthquake. Let's keep that in mind for next year, shall we?

What's it called when a unicorn menstruates? A unicycle?

Wednesday. Where you're too far out to see weekend in any direction.

I'm off to hunt burrito. I will eat the filling now and then fashion a jacket out of the tortillas after tanning and stretching.

WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON! *walks out in furry boots*

Waiting to go into Medieval Times for the first time. I hope that Knight guy wins.

Apparently I set my time machine for downtown Baghdad, January of 1991.

The dog's confidence in my ability to run with her and my actual ability are at very different levels.

@theinfamousgdub Soon? My wife's a redhead, its already happened :) (j/k babe if you're reading this)

Can't believe I ordered a RAZR for my dad because he hates "new" phones. I might have to cryo-freeze one soon just in case time keeps moving