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Long ass day. Put the hyphen wherever you want.
Pretty ill. Picked my nose earlier & it was so mucous-y I felt like I was pleasuring my girlfriend. Just kidding; I don't have a girlfriend.
They can pry that last comma in a list from my cold, properly delineated hands.
So pissed! I simply cannot find the right blazer to match this onesie. Fuck it, Lady Gaga can go as HERSELF for Halloween.
Between the Kentucky Derby and Cinco de Mayo, it’s a great weekend for people who want to barf while wearing big hats.
Wow that's like the third time today that "Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows" has come up on shuffle. Uh I mean "Welcome to the Jungle."
When I fake-type on my desk and feel like I've made a fake-typo, I fake-backspce to correct it. This is my life.
I hope Star Trek wins for "Best Original Lens Flare In Your God Damn Face For Two Hours"
The sensuality with which Joe Buck notes that the batter "took the ball inside" is enough to make me jahhhhst a bit uncomfortable.
How is there justice in the world where our leader can get a peace prize and we're still defining a serving size of Oreos as THREE cookies?
I've seen countless squirrels, but I've never seen ONE poop. Think about it. Eh, don't waste your time on that shit. Or.. lack thereof. ZING
Using my iPhone in Whole Foods. I feel like I'm one more douchy thing away from hitting the cycle.
If I spent as much time looking for a job as I do thinking up something -anything- to tweet, I'd have my own secretary and a reclining chair
My lemonade declares itself a "product of France." Unnecessary labeling, since I could already tell it was sour and disappointing.
Gluing a toy back together. Yeah well maybe you're just not playing hard enough, wiener-face.
Heading to Long Island this weekend for a graduation party. Do I get my inoculations now or should I just give up and start pre-douching?
Also there's some important soccer match in town tonight? From what I gather of the hooting and hollering, I hope UNICEF kicks AIG's ass.
Rome so far: doppler-shifted sirens; scooters; stereotypes *all* true. Amazing food. Fewer Super Mario jokes than anticipated. Will update.
To the guy eating Panda Express alone in his car in this parking lot: hang in there, kiddo.