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Sitting here & listening but not tweeting makes me feel like a pervert.
Dude at playgrnd STARING at me, grinning & obsessively checking iPhone. Okay, which one of u freaks followed me here?!
Come say hi already.
If "cunnilingus" isn't a mouthful, you're doing it wrong.
I like masturbating in front of a guy before he does me. It's my own subtle, sexy way of saying, "This is how I like it. Don't fuck it up."
The best thing about being a single mom is that I have a great lifelong excuse to have sex freely without ever becoming emotional attached.
I tried to blog about how I'm not a slut IRL & twitter is a fun escape from reality for me, but it's so hard to type w/ a dick in each hand.
Is there a polite way to ask your masseuse for a happy ending? Asking for a friend.
LOLJK I'm totally asking for myself.
Twitter really brings out the feminist in me.
Anyway, who wants to see my boobs?
I need a star-shaped toy so I can starfuck myself. That would be fucking hot.
My husband wants to know why I'd rather talk tripe with strangers on twitter than spend every waking hour answering stupid Q's like this.
I'm scared of birds. They plot things.
Do beavers really have vaginas?
When a human heart stops, that person's smartphone should self-destruct in three seconds. There should totally be an app for that.
If I die tonight, I fell off a ladder. Also, I hope my family never finds my phone.
If I don't get up and cook for you after you bang me, you didn't do it right.
Anytime I run into an ex and he tries to say hello, I say loudly: "I'm sorry but I don't have any spare change" and keep walking. #truestory
Pro Tip: You probably ought to slow down over the speed bumps while your dick is in my mouth.
Don't worry, guys, I'm only crazy enough for the sex to be hot.
What is the proper etiquette on asking the neighbor kids how to help me score a bag?
What is up with the DM's, you guys! Mine are non-stop perversion all day!!
And that's just the OUTBOX!