Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

So I joined Twitter...one thing leads to another...yada yada yada... I'm homeless.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

All you miserable married people....
May divorce be with you.

"Sorry but I've been killing it on Twitter." Me to landlord when it's time to pay rent.

Selfish dude's always pushing 75+ carts around grocery lot. Today I yelled, "Hey Buddy, those are for everyone!" Kept all, took inside. WTF!

If I had any friends, I'm sure I would be the envy of them.

What you think of me is none of my business.

No one among us is truly free until he/she can effortlessly decline a dinner invitation without explanation.

Wanted: Sax or Violin player. Not for band but to provide montage background music for my daily pacing session, regretting various failures.

Make sure you look directly into the sun for at least ten minutes per day because that's where all the vitamins are.

Too bad the opposite of "mo money, mo problems." isn't "no money, no problems."

I wonder what I'm doing right now.

Dating tip: give up.

Everything done in the dark eventually comes to light.

If I had to get fired I'd like it to be from the unemployment office so next day I can walk in, "You work for ME now bitch!"

My hand is writing checks my bank can't cash.

Please be quiet while I'm tweeting. Common courtesy. See now I forgot what I was going to say. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!!

Is it hot in here or are you just suffocating me in this realtionship?

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.