Is there an online dating site for alcoholics? I want to find true love.

You don't know what you got till it's gone, unless it's a double murder then you got alot of cleaning up to do.

I hate it when i'm shitting in an alley and a bum walks by and asks me for a dollar.

Ran out of toilet paper and had to use my only clean towel, so if i go MIA soon it's cause i killed myself cause my life is a fucking joke.

@truetorontogirl I'm too dumb for this joke so im just going to favorite the one about gagging.

200th Tweet! i think it's pretty obvious that I'm going for quantity over quality at this point and that i have no friends in real life.

On RedTube there's a video called "Lazy maid sucks two dicks" Whoever named that vid must have a serious work ethic or really love the cock.

Chris Browns music might not be that good but he's really good at punching women in the face.

Every time I go into subway and tell them I want a 6 incher, I feel like i'm back in my therapist's office crying.

@yoyorobot dude your comics are fucking terrible.

Ignoring co-workers cause i'm thinking up tweets >

Whose going to jail with me when people start putting child porn in pop-ups cause they think it's funny?

@tweeterread @saraespivey Like Scottys mom, only without the herpes.

Whenever i eat alot of mexican food i grab my friends iPhone, go on Shazam and start shitting. 95% of the time it says its by Justin Bieber.

Since people wont stop talking to me at the urinal, i have to use the stalls to shit.

I want a girl whose ashamed to be fucking me.

For International Woman's Day i'm giving out free abortions, your choice of the coat hanger method or getting pushed down cement steps.

@jennifergr8 @saraespivey i love both of you fuckers

Everybody dies but not everybody lives. I feel bad for Snooki's fetus.

I don't know if my high school girlfriend is bulimic but i'm getting really sick of her throwing up and crying every time we have sex.