Sometimes on lazy nights like these a lady friend to hang out with is desirable.

I'm going to need a hot date to despicable me 2.

I legitimately can't stop doing handstands

MT “@kyleamartin: Shitty beer tastes better when you're drinking it with old men.” Anheuser-Busch should pay you for that slogan. #genius

“@kyleamartin: Watseka, IL. Home of nothing in particular. #fathersday  http://instagram.com/p/aoOi12hpX0/ ” I think that’s actually Watseka’s town motto.

@kyleamartin Yet another reason I love you. You're an #ideaman

Anyone know where I can get a slightly used hearse? I want that to be my next car. I bet bitches love hearses.

@kyleamartin @dammitbabies If I were a girl, you'd be cunt glitter because I wouldn't ever be able to get you out

I met a guy at duckys who introduced himself as Pisser Jr... he bought me a shot

For anyone who has been trying to call and/or text me the past few days, I got.a new number. So figure it out.

Poped a moly am sweatin

Hell is occupied by billions of teenage daughters.

Had anyone ever actually been named Pacey prior to Dawson’s Creek? Why not Walklin or Strido?

Gabriel descends from Heaven and sets a Bennigan's on fire on the next Torched By An Angel.

I fell asleep during the Sting concert and woke up when people started clapping so I clapped too and I hope it wasn't about anything racist.

We just don't fucking care

@kyleamartin I’m better than, like, 4 or 5 everyones. And the only thing those books are killing most days is me. But celebrate I will.

Both of my books (In Your Dreams & As You Wake) made Amazon Top 100 lists this week. Thanks 2 everyone who made that happen. :) #YA #YAlit

Nobody likes you when you're twenty-three.

you wouldn't download a basketball in the fourth quarter with the title on the line idk