Tim Howard could save an atheist.

Todd Akin is taking such a legitimate beat down; weird, I thought his body would have shut down to prevent this from happening.

Ten minutes after this girl on Facebook told me to "please pray for her grandma" she liked Taco Bell's page and tried to win a chalupa.

I bet Joe says "Just Biden my time" at least six times a day. #DNC

Just sprinkled bath salts on a slug to try and kill it. Not working. Slug is now very aggressive.

The VP debate might be Joe Biden making a fart noise at Paul Ryan, while Ryan tries to relate to black people with rap lyrics he memorized.

Just saw some guy apply for food stamps on his iPad in case you guys forgot what America is.

:Bryan Cranston loses Emmy, puts on black Heisenberg hat and walks out of the room. No one ever hears from Damian Lewis again:

Q: Who dat? A: Ryan Succop and Jamaal Charles. #Chiefs

Give James Franklin credit, he finds the open man. Doesn't matter to him which team that guy is on, though. #Mizzou

"Your Facebook update about politics has inspired me to change my views on the issue." - no one ever

The United States is not worried about being good at fencing because it's not the year 1645 and we have bombs. #Olympics

Chick-fil-a is definitely a Christian business. On their chicken sandwiches they always make sure the pickles don't touch.

Well I can never trust what Obama says again, he just told Jim Lehrer that he was doing a good job.

Kevin Durant is better at basketball than I am at watching him play basketball. And I just ate an entire pizza.

Rick Santorum drops out of Presidential race right after discovering both women and African-americans can vote.

"No no no, calm down, it's just for instagram." - me, taking a picture of a lady breastfeeding

#Grammys started playing the "get off stage music," then Jay Z walked to the mic and they literally stopped the music. What a fucking boss.

I really hope that movie is about Abe Lincoln killing Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

Britney Spears is probably pretty upset watching this from whatever Wendy's she's working at. #Grammys