I like to prank call people and scream at them while reading out-loud the French section of a shampoo bottle.

It's always funny to say "You call that a penis?" to someone in the men's room.

They never understand how I got in the stall with them.

“Believe what I say or I'll hurt you.” - Christians and Hitler.

You probably have a follower that is a serial killer. Good night.

“Fuck that loser. I bet I could kick his ass.” - every guy who isn't the boyfriend

I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer anal.

My car could possibly be running on fumes, but you better fucking believe I'm racing you to where the two lanes merge into one.

What’s that one song where Wiz Khalifa raps about weed and money?

BREAKING: Facebook friend had a great workout and is now ready to make money. Great story. Compelling and rich.

After a week, I still can't believe Beyoncé gave birth to a plant.

Sooooo...

why is my penis tanner than my whole body?

Girl: “I love whiskey”

Me: “I just fell in love with you”

You “don't remember falling asleep”? No one does you babbling fucking idiot.

This is what’s wrong with America. - http://t.co/dmFqzXFU

At his next speech, Obama should just kick the podium over and say, “You know what?! I killed Osama, bitches.” then moonwalk off the stage.

How the hell is there not a 24-hour fitness serial killer yet?

I just ate some beef stew and burnt toast like a god damned medieval peasant.

Sometimes it's so loud inside my head, I can't even hear me talking to myself.

My "listening to an annoying person talk to me" face is the same as my "taking a dump" face.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with always using Twitter/Scramble with Friends/Temple Run/text message/Internet, but my iPhone battery blows.