stupid mobile phone can now do Facebook but not Twitter, which is actually worse than being totally broken

my ex husband was born on leap day and was technically 6 and a quarter when we got married. insert your own joke here

doing online services helpdesk tomorrow. "have you tried switching it off and back on again?" I think thats what the 8hrs of training said

no wonder so many Americans are fat.Just looked for chicken recipes on Google and every one of them involved cream or cheese or both or porn

dear Santa can I have a pan cupboard that doesn't dump its contents on your head when you open the door? or wine, or a guinea pig

We saw a size 28 bikini in the shops the other day... why is this even a thing?

I'm over my 3 gin limit...somebody hide e-Bay

tried to pick out a bit of ham from my teeth with a receipt. i now have receipt AND ham jammed in my molars

I've spent 7 days putting 65 sodding toys on eBay, got loads of abuse off buyers and made £200. Prostitution is way more cost efficient

Are they giving a free gay with every purchase at Ikea today?

I have to go to bed alone??? but there isn't enough red wine in the house for that

oxymoron shopping basket... bacon, red wine and a copy of Slimming World Magazine. That's how I roll!

Toothpaste but with wine chocolate and bacon stripes

I can't help sniffing his dirty t shirts when he's not here

Off to work in pants with an elasticated waistband for the team buffet

i have painted and varnished the whole room.. looks good, and my crane technique is almost perfect

dear metro skanks, i hope you get dog turd on your non-existant skirts. so you know why it's not cool to put your feet on the seat

I've decided to have a day off from being super-hot. Instead I have gone for a tiny eyed, snot dribbling kind of look. Pass the Sudafed

must remember on way home that although I can't hear as I have earphones in, everyone else walking home can hear my beans for lunch farts

I am a living New year cliche today. Done my new pilates DVD, tuna salad for lunch.. I can't see it lasting past gin o'clock though