I think there should be a small amount of weed in every first aid kit.

Have your people star my people.

My wife looks in the mirror and see's a mom. I look at her in the mirror and see the sexiest woman on earth.

My phone rang and it scared the shit out if me. Who the hell would call me on my hand held twitter device.

I wish I was a D.I.N.K., Duel Income No Kids. Sadly I'm a P.e.n.i.s., Parent Eating Noodles In Shame

My wife asked how much should she drink tonight? I said, enough so that every answer is yes.

The most expensive meal you will ever eat is pussy.

I like looking at my new sexy neighbour across the street but up close she's fugly. I hope her chain doesn't reach the street.

I laugh at my own tweets

My 6 says I'm her bestest daddy ever. Sweetie, your not like the other kids in your class. You only have 1 daddy.

If you're not living on the edge you're taking up too much space.

It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved in February 13th than any other day of the year.

I have a "W" tattoo on each of my butt cheeks. When I bend over it says WOW.

The only down fall to the blue pill is I have to pee standing up in the bathtub

Even the ugliest girl looks good bent over.

I'm cutting the tail off my dog, because my sister-in-law is coming over and I don't want her to see any signs of being welcome.

When you star fuck me, lick the screen because I like it wet.

I like to think of myself as a professional star fucker. That's right my followers are stars.

Behind every good man is a better woman, grinding her pussy on his ass and whispering I want you to fuck me.

I never really grew up. I just learned how to act in public.