I don't get strength from exercise. I get it from those I love.

I don't care if I'm a millionaire, my son's first car is going to be a reliable piece of shit that he'll have to earn.

I read my wife's Cosmo just to see if there are any good tips to get the cum out of my hair.

If I was a camel, I think I'd lick between my toes just to make humans laugh.

If your penis could talk, I'd sit on him and he'd be saying gmff gmfff ffmgh fmmrgh all the time!

Good drugs make you more relaxed and help you write funny tweets. Great drugs make you stare at your iPhone & think "What the fuck is this?"

Don't stop by unannounced if you don't want to walk in on weird shit.

Big Ugly Fat Fuckers Eating Together (B.U.F.F.E.T.)

We finally got a new microwave. But it has a button on it that says "Stop time."

I don't dare touch it. No one should have that much power

I hope that memory foam can forget what you did last night.

If he's never slapped your ass, he doesn't love you.

I’m pretty sure gobbledygook is slang for jizz.

Mom wants a pearl necklace for Christmas.


This is going to be awkward.

Twitter is the most daunting social network to join. Especially since everyone fucking skips that 1st step where it says "find your friends"

I'm not the grammar police but I am convinced that some of you just smash the keyboard and hit Send.

There's a fine line between sensitive & psychotic.

My wife has gotten pretty good at carrying my cum from the bed to the toilet.

How come its okay to tackle someone who wants to jump in front of a train but its unacceptable to slap a Big Mac out of their fat face.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room."

You think you've got problems ...I just got a boner at walmart