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I slept through the alarm. I'm glad it was just a small fire.
My 10 year old asked, who gets their hair cut at Walmart? I said the same people who eat at Walmart.
I forgot how much fun hickies are.
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Bake me a hash brownie as fast as you can.
I'm back. I was going to ask what I missed, but I figured out that I missed 927 tweets in 22 minutes. Fuck you.
OK I'm going to have a shower. I need everyone to stop tweeting until I get back.
I know when your palm is itchy you're coming into money. What about when your taint is itchy?
Finding a long hair in the crack of your ass Monday morning is a warm and fuzzy reminder of the weekends sexual adventures.
The scent of my wife on Sunday mornings motivates me to wash my face before anyone gets close enough to see the glazed look.
Nothing says I love you more than buying panties for your wife after you've ripped off her last good pair.
Living with a squirter, you learn quickly, one towel is not absorbent enough no matter how many times you fold it.
The only time your fingers should be in your mouth, is after sex or to clean the cheesy dust after a family size bag of Cheetos.
I'm not sure what is more depressing. Taking depression pills everyday or seeing how many more pill compartments until the weekend.
I resent the person who told me Kijiji had a free category.
I get paid to make shit for other people so I can buy shit made by other people. Now I work overtime because I have too much of your shit.