New rule: if you're planning a meeting longer than 45 min., it's not a meeting, it's a party, and Capt. Morgan will be on the attendee list.

Who do you go to if you've got a catchy tune stuck in your head, but can't remember from which porno you heard it?

I'm asking for a friend.

When taking photos of shiny objects, make sure you wear pants—There, I've told you everything I know about the Internet. Now, fly bird, fly.

“I am so scared, would you please hold me?” I quietly wept. “Go ahead and close Outlook,” He replied “you've been brave enough for one day.”

Fun fact about me: So far I've dated girls from three different nationalities.*


------
* Assuming Hell is a nation.

She locked the door behind us and stared at me with a lustful glare in her eyes.
“Remember, no kisses on the mouth.” I softly reminded her.

Facebook suggest that I help my mother finding friends. In time she'll come to regret those awkward playdates back in the day, just as I do.

Shock & Denial;
Pain & Guilt;
Anger & Bargaining;
"Depression"/loneliness;
Commit;
Publish;
Denial.

—The 7 Stages of web development.

People ask me: what's your secret?

It's no secret at all! I've lost 330 lbs in the last six months just by drinking water instead of gravy.

Aw, she left before I got to my name. Perhaps I should put it earlier in my song; possibly bring it up somewhere before the first interlude.

“Come with me if you want to live.”

Apparently not a good pickup line.

Some girls haven't seen Terminator…nor have every jury.

Apparently

“Anything else?” She asked while she scooped 200 grams of pie onto a plate. “Yes, a family size bucket of ice cream, and some John Coltrane”

Made a mistake at the gym today.

Anyways, if you guys wanna know what's in the girls locker room:

1) Nudity;
2) Screaming;
3) Lesbian sex

He had finally perfected his match.com profile. The once so cold internet seemed elated, as if it cheered “Best of luck, SugarTitsSeeker83.”

The plan:

1) Workout for an extended period of time. Build muscles;
2) Stop the workouts;
3) Get to know what touching breasts feels like.

I am no longer allowed on the premises of any Build-A-Bear workshop.

They said they didn't share my vision of the Build-A-Bear centipede.

I got me a bad case of jogger's nipple the last time I went running.

Fans of my pointy little nipples—calm down—my third nipple is alright.

I saw an instructional diagram at the gym that said pull ups causes a rash on biceps, upper back and rear deltoids. But who would want that?

Every recommendation I've got on linkedin.com state that I'm “always working hard.”

To be honest, I don't know how I'm pulling this off.

Girls, a pro tip: Just say thanks for the drink; it's only polite. Then talk about your awesome boyfriend; it'll safe us both a lot of time.