@laage's (Martin G) recent favourites. See who @laage favs the most...
I'd like to thank Food Poisoning for the academy award winning death scenes... And for bringing me that much closer to God
2
My son lost his very first tooth tonight- but he's so hardcore he just swallowed it.
So... Yeah.
Fuck the fairy.
So... Yeah.
Fuck the fairy.
Does Hallmark® have "Sorry I pissed in your refrigerator last night when I was drunk" cards?
Cuz where I come from,they'd be pretty popular.
Cuz where I come from,they'd be pretty popular.
14
Canada now has a National emergency plan and I see nothing about a zombie holocaust in there.
Wake up Canada! This is serious!
Wake up Canada! This is serious!
4
I'm sorry. When you said you had a "slight" problem I thought you wanted a "considerable" problem...Now stop crying and keep pressure on it.
4
Does anyone* want me to hop**on my private jet*** & come pleasure**** them?
[*any person or animal]
[**crawl]
[***lawn mower]
[****rape]
[*any person or animal]
[**crawl]
[***lawn mower]
[****rape]
6
I just told my boss to stick it where the sun don't shine.
Meaning on my desk in my windowless fucking cubicle.
Meaning on my desk in my windowless fucking cubicle.
I can pretty much guarantee that anyone celebrating "Pi Day" will not have the option to also celebrate "Steak And Blowjob Day" as well.
When I text "K.", I worry my amigos will think I'm asking them to repeat themselves but then I remember that this joke is terrible.
I thought online dating was for freaks, but it’s just ordinary people looking for love..
Damn, I thought this was a sure thing.
Damn, I thought this was a sure thing.
3
Working on an online dating profile. I want it short and honest, but also classy..
So what's the more ladylike version of “NEED SEX!!”?
So what's the more ladylike version of “NEED SEX!!”?
4
Life's like a box of chocolates, you think you can leave it in the car on a hot day for a few minutes but you just can't.
RIP Grandma.
RIP Grandma.
Phew, my wife's period was late but we had forgotten about the time change, so it's all good now.
10
My thoughts go out to those poor souls who forgot about the time change and are now permanently trapped one hour in the past.
9
Your mom.
FYI-I stole this from numerous people, who had stolen it from numerous other people, who had originally stolen it from your dad.
FYI-I stole this from numerous people, who had stolen it from numerous other people, who had originally stolen it from your dad.
I wanted to mention that you guys never have to worry about me plagiarizing your tweets because I never actually read anything you say.
8
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