ME: I love you. HIM: Is that you or the wine talking? ME: It's me...talking to my wine.

When someone is telling me a story, I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my story that’s not only better, but involves me.

I have CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be.

That thin line between "I should tweet that" or "I should talk to my therapist about that"...

The whole "limiting myself to one glass of wine a day" thing is going really great. I'm like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people who feel confident.

I drink vodka because I don't like to keep things bottled up.

Twitter is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

I need to clean this living room. By clean, I mean drink wine & spray febreeze.

A whore is just a woman who has the morals and values of a man.

Fine. Whatever. Nothing. -Things women say when they really mean "fuck you, you ignorant asshole, I hate & I want to stab you"

"Eye of the Tiger" is playing and it's so motivating. I totally want to punch someone in the face right now.

HIM: What do you need? ME: A Vodka Tonic w Lime. HIM: I meant out of life. ME: So did I :)

Someone at this party said twitter is a waste of time & is full of sociopaths...now I'm trying to figure out where to hide her body.

Everything happens for a reason but sometimes that reason is that you're a moron.

Just popped into Costco to pick up some detergent and now I'm out $800 and could open an Asian restaurant.

If you consider going on a beer "run" as your form of exercise, we are going to be very, very close friends.

There's no use in crying over spilled milk! Spilled vodka, however, totally normal to sob inconsolably.

Just because you have 400 friends on facebook doesn't mean people like you now, they just feel guilty for being mean to you in high school.

How come my iphone headphones always look like they had wild sex when I take them out of my purse?