Just saw a black & white cat being followed across the street by a skunk. I now believe Pepe LePew's adventures were based on a true story.

Drove thru Del Taco, the guy said - Sorry about the weight. Wow. Hurt. Later I realized he was sorry about the wait. Feel bad abt his tires.

I have so many black clothes that when I open my closet all light is instantly absorbed and all hope is lost.

Saw a guy on a chopper with those really high handlebars. Reminded me of a kid on a big wheel. Probably not the look he was going for.

Sometimes I pretend I'm on The Office and I take a little moment to give the camera a smirk or a wink.

I think I am to the point where I need a bumper sticker that says - I Star for Bacon

Push. Slap. Punch. Kick. Them's fightin' words.

Dear Col.Sanders, Your crimes against chickens are well documented. However, your work with coleslaw makes you okay in my book. Love, Laura

Last night I had this dream about... What? No one wants to hear someone else's dream? But mine was really... Still no? Fine. Coffee. Now.

Going to breakfast with my classiest friend. Hoping to impress her with how many tater tots I can put in my mouth at once.

I am barefoot and in the kitchen. But that's it. No hat trick here.

I'm always temporarily confused when someone I follow constantly retweets someone lame. But then I remember...oh, flirting!

If you're Kermit, you may tell people you're gettin' piggy with it.

When I get rich I will hire someone full time to gently brush the knots out of my hair.

All this talk about spirit animals really clears up some confusion I've been experiencing re feces turning up in odd places around my house.

Just had a fancy lunch with friends! Um, okay. It was PB&J with a couple of puppets and a mummy made of toilet paper. Happy?

Dear 1st grade teacher who told every parent to go to the library and get one book, no alternatives - What is wrong with you? Sincerely, Me

At my dad's. So far only one brief mention of "communism". Staying strong.

I'm the kind of person who feels like a good person when I'm drinking water.

@mrsstephenfry Waiting for #MrsFrysGuidetoMarriage to overtake one of the much lamer trending topics!