@lafix's (Laura) most faved Tweets...
It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
I don't like irony. Or foldy. Or thinky. Or worky. I like eaty. Eaty is good.
Gift wrapping complete.

I don't usually have this much glitter on my thighs unless someone's filming.
For the 2nd time in my life, a FedEx dude has seen me naked. I blame the wardrobe malfunction. And the nymphomania.
Studies show after the words "studies show", people stop reading.

Ballsucking frogbanger.

It's a shame no one will see that.
Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?"
Me: "I declare a thumb war?"
Customs: "Security!"
Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"
I'll only be part of a love triangle if I can be the hypotenuse.
Car keys: check! iPhone: check! Virginity: che.. hahah, good one!
Dance like nobody's watching? There's no money in that.
Oh, you DO want a piece of me. Well, this is awkward.
Having a man's hand in my shirt is normally fun, but he was all "sit still" and "stop calling me 'baby', I'm your Doctor."
If you're torn between two lovers, that isn't love. Only jerks would tear a person. Unless your lovers are bears. Bears can't help it.
You know how when you're yelling at someone & you get in their face and then all of a sudden you're both naked?

I'll miss that Quiznos.
Ohhh, the handles are on a mattress to MOVE it. I've been using them totally, sexily wrong.
I find taking my bra off through my sweater sleeve during a meeting helps to change focus when there's a conflict.
I have a fever of 101.4. That's means I'm 2.8 degrees hotter than normal. Fellas?
I can't believe weed is illegal and patchouli isn't.
If you suck down some whipped cream right from the can while in line at the grocery store, guys will offer to buy your groceries for you.
Telemarketer: Are you a homeowner?
Me: How big are your lips?
Telemarketer: ....
Me: Your lips. Are they huge?

*click*
Don't you wish after a break-up you wouldn't get phone stalked & mail stalked & email stalked?

It's OVER, American Express. Let. Me. Go.
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