I just saw a man sneeze into his elbow and he basically spit all over the person next to him, so Where To Sneeze is still up for ideas.

"Ugh" -God when Alanis Morissette shows up at the gates of heaven with an acoustic guitar

I'm a genuis.

Wanted to get an early start on my favs today. Faving is more peaceful before everyone else is up.

I'm not racist, but all penguins look alike.

Take it easy. The FBI shoots a lot of people's friends.

Professionalism means resisting the urge to top off a successful pitch with - "STEVE HOLT!"

Spoiler alert: if my experience is any indication, the vast majority of assholes on here are super nice in real life.

A mother duck with 8 ducklings following her is probably the cutest thing I've ever almost hit with my car.

It's strange I haven't been singled out by the IRS when you consider how many years I've listed my occupation as "The Yodeling Brakeman."

Nothing makes you feel as old as having your kid tell you they've outgrown Warped Tour.

Coinstar? More like WINEstar! Am I right, me???

Hope I get to do beers and smoke some drugs this weekend. It’ll feel so good I bet.

Area codes seems like an antiquated way to organize your hoes.

Corduroy pants are god's way of saying he cares about us enough to let us make our own mistakes.

Why would you harass someone on Twitter? Go harass someone on Facebook like a normal person.

Select-A-Size paper towels are perfect for when you need an extra large towel but want to end up pulling off a narrow strip of bullshit.

Anyone who writes “’Nuf said!” has indeed said enough.

"While you were out, we broke in and moved all your shit around. Do you want us to show you where everything is?" - Facebook every 3 months

I start to feel like I'm not doing my part for the ecosystem if I haven't starting drunk-tweeting non sequiturs by around 10:15.