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I take long romantic walks to the fridge.
You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to
I don't care how much you drink, just dance responsibly
Once I finish this last bit of Cool Whip I will be the proud owner of a new set of salad bowls
I dream of the day when chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!
What doesn't kill you, seriously disappoints me
I'm still haunted by the things I did for a Klondike bar
I cashed my reality check today and it bounced.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember, that's where the knives are kept.
A friend of mine told me today that I am delusional. I almost fell off of my unicorn!
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
What doesn't kill me makes my drinks stronger
How do you say "bra" in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn't find her cigarette.
Atheism is a non prophet organization
The older I get, the better I realize I was.
I smashed a cockroach today. I bet he doesn't have the guts to come around again.
Girls just wanna have fun! Love my Jack Russell Buddy. Is it time for my nap? Oh shit, do we know each other?