I spent the whole day cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean trying to find out where my son hides his weed.

When you love someone, set them free but carry around pictures of their new girlfriend & ask everyone you meet who's prettier - you or her?

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who's dumber than me, I'd have $11 cause I work for a small company.

Just realized I make the same noises while running that I do during sex- including the part where I yell "it's been 5 minutes, can we stop?"

If you're doing it right, she can't say the safe word...

I'm making a perfume called Forever Alone. It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

Am I the only one who goes to the doctor and prays for him to say you have something tragic so you can go back to the office and quit?

I wish my husband HAD a gigantic dick instead of just acting like one.

My mother never told me I was pretty & constantly criticizes my hair, clothes, & weight. So I tell my daughters they are beautiful everyday.

I know there are supposedly no rules to twitter, but I have to think if you are following Sarah Palin, you have to be doing it wrong.

Nothing says "I love you" like slicing his gf's tires.

I texted my son to ask where he went to so early yesterday morning and he texted back, Texas. We live in Alabama. I might be a bad mom.

When you love someone, set them free. Because they are not fucking worth the trouble, fucking asshole, motherfucker.

"Wait until you get to school to poop. We're out of toilet paper." -trailer park mom (me)

The hardest part of my vacation was convincing my mom I was not an alcoholic while still drinking all day every day.

You can say you have great sex with her, but if your gf doesn't watch porn, I don't believe you.

Sex with my husband is like watching Law & Order. Not something I plan to do, but if nothing else is on...

I wanna tell my boss the same thing that I told the guys at Express Oil Change, "I can't masturbate while you are talking to me."

I'm at my sexiest when I'm flossing at my desk using a post-it note.

Am I the only one who checks the airplane wing to make sure someone or something isn't out there during flight? Thanks, Twilight Zone!