You know you're a good mom if you'll go sneak the batteries out of your vibrator so your kid can play Wii.

Judging from my ability to get every drop of cake batter from these beaters, I'd probably be amazing at eating pussy.

I'm nearly 37 years old. Why do I feel like such a goddamned freak show pervert every time I'm choosing cucumbers at the grocery store?

I get a special little thrill from unfollowing someone who I know freaks the fuck out over losing followers but doesn't follow back.

Women: stop obsessing over THAT guy. Fact is, they all have a dick, and if
you ask nicely, they'll share it with you. Promise.

It's official: "Accidental Anal" will be the subtitle of my autobiography.

Ladies, to get your man to do his chores, make him a list:

Change oil

Mow grass

Clean garage

Receive BJ.


Works every time.

If a guy stars all your sex related tweets, that means he wants to marry you, right? Asking for myself.

Never trust a skinny cook, or someone who won't let you see their genitals with the lights on.

I would pay 100k for the ability to poop normally while on vacation.

I've been stalking your favorites tonight. Apparently you assholes star every tweet you read, except mine.

Y'all can keep the dirty DM's and kik sex sessions, and I'll keep having actual sex with an actual real person.

Sometimes I wish I had a penis just so I could try to shove it your weird gauged ears.

There isn't much that's funnier than a guy with a mohawk at a water park.

This toothless mechanic just told me how good I smell. . . so yeah, I still got it.

Okay ladies, remind me. How many weeks into a new relationship before you can stop acting like you don't poop?

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

These Favstar email notifications I get every time someone stars me would probably be really annoying if I were funny.

The fact that I'm up frying bacon this early while he's still asleep would make me the best fuck buddy ever. If I intended to share.

Nice try, label on this box of macaroni and cheese that claims there are three servings.