My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.

That awkward moment when you're stirring macaroni and it sounds like you're being fingered.

"Why can't you be more like that abortion I had in 1988?" - My mom.

I take a morning after pill every time my brother uses my lap top, just in case.

Whenever someone says "I call shotgun!" when riding in the car with me, I pull out an actual shotgun and say "Get the fuck in the backseat!"

Big girls don't cry. (They eat)

75 percent of my gym workout is untangling my iPod headphones in the locker room.

How to make white people fight: Sit in the mall parking lot with your reverse lights on.

I woke up and I panicked because I didn't know where my kids were but then I remembered they are safe in Ryan Gosling's balls.

I get bi with a little help from my friends.

I want a 6 pack so bad. Abs or beer, whichever.

Bad tweet, bad tweet, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha do when they unfollow you?

My uncle gave me 50 dollars as a Xmas present and told me not to spend it all in one place so I had to go to two different liquor stores.

It's okay that I touch my cousin's fake breasts because they aren't really hers, right?

I like big buns & I cannot lie, my muffin top can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist, I go up and punch her in the face.

When people say "Oh that's so funny, I forgot to laugh" - I punch them in the face to remind them.

I only wanted to be followed if people genuinely want to follow me, none of this begging to be retweeted shit.

"Don we now our gay apparel." -Gay people, everyday.

Opinions are like assholes. I only listen to mine.

"Ahahahah I'm still here, bitch. Ahahaha" -My alarm clock after hitting the snooze button.