56 is too young. Fuck cancer.

Good. Go away, Prop 8. Stop bothering the nice people of California already. You're like a goddamned hate zombie.

Want invasive-ultrasound laws? I INSIST we apply identical standards to guns. Want a gun? Watch this video of a child dying gun-relatedly.

God damn it, would SOMEBODY PLEASE EAT SOME DINNER WITH @barackobama ALREADY?

And yet Bridgette Nielsen just lives and lives.

They Cancel HBO Series, Don't They?

Why, I do believe a bird just shit on me. So I'm gonna jerk off on a mouse. Circle of life, folks.

Oh, no. What if the Bible as we now know it was merely the holiday point-of-purchase vanity book deal of the leading humorist of the time?

I could not be any less interested in the royal wedding if it were a mentally ill custodian at a middle school getting ready to marry a mop.

@billcorbett Can you IMAGINE how great a Ted Danson "TED Dancin'" TED Talk would be?

Wait. Does the last Harvey Porter movie come out TODAY?! My paws & whiskers—I do hope he defeats the Vogelmorph once and for all!

Happy Birthday, Hayao Miyazaki! I, a giant hopping foot, and a 9ft. tall cat made of soup are going to celebrate your greatness together.

"My wife & I will take the girl to live with us on Alderaan. We have always talked about adopting a little girl." #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue

I'm gonna go out on a limb &say that "Mockingbird" is the DUMBEST song ever written. It's all about contingencies for defective merchandise.

Sleeping w/a fan tonight; @finslippy said we could. I love spring. (PS: that fan is Arlene Carlton of Oak Creek, CO. Welcome to NY, Arlene!)

When you're married, you really can't let the sun set on your disagreements. But you can fart unmercifully in your sleep until you've won.

I'm sick of scientists detecting chemicals on distant planets. "Trace amts of phlantium on Tejat Prior 3 really changes the game!" Fuck YOU.

I can't wait for the day—& it'll come—when an openly gay serviceperson receives the Medal of Honor & no one whose life was saved complains.

I'm at the point where I'm praying my son would go to bed so I can eat ice cream. My life has gone directions lives were not designed to go.

I love my son more than anything in existence. And parenthood is the worst idea anyone ever had. I may die trying in vain to reconcile this.