Just read article that says coffee drinkers have more sex & enjoy it more than non-coffee drinkers.LIKE I NEED ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE COFFEE

Sitting in this church parking lot smoking weed seems a little wrong but it's not like I'm going in so its ok.

I walked into a spider web this morning and now I have a black belt in karate.

I wish my sex life was more like my "real" life. That way I would be getting screwed all the time!!

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his fucking breast plate open.

I don't see my cup as half full OR half empty. Actually I don't see my cup at all! Ok, who took my fucking cup?

I'm sick of people telling me what they think I should do. Unless your fucking me or I'm feeding you...shut the fuck up.

I LOVE being a woman. All I gotta do is flash some tit or throw some pussy around and I CAN HAVE ANYTHING I WANT!!

Im about to drink a beer- smoke a fatty- and masturbate my sorrows away.

When cooking a nice dinner for my family, I always forget if the peanut butter goes on before the jelly.

I think it's cute the way the weather is trying to be hotter than me....

My life could use a lot more drugs and a lot less people.

I made a "THANK YOU FOR FUCKING UP MY DAY" card that punches you in the throat when you open--you know, cause it's the thought that counts.

This lady in this church parking lot yelling at her kids to get in the fucking car is me & if you don't like it, you can go to hell WITH me.

Secrets to a happy life: Work when your boss's watching, Love NO ONE, Dance like you don't give a fuck & drink like you did in high school.

I ONLY want a boyfriend so I can fuck the hell out of him, borrow some money & get HIM to make me a sandwich.

Do you ever ask yourself, "Why in the fuck did I hit the follow button?" I have 4 times today....

Thought I'd be nice & make muffins but since its the thought that counts, I'll tell them I thought about it cause there's no fucking muffins

It's official...I've finally become my mother! Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

Committing Twittercide would be the easy part. When I go, I'm burning Twitter to the fucking ground.